Saturday, July 16, 2011

Waxing and The Wilderness (Two Totally Seperate Things...)

Every 4 to 6 weeks I endure the biggest pain in my life during the Spring/ Summer months. It's not pretty in any way and sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it. But after switching to an alternative I learned that it is worth it. Bikini waxes. Boys, I suggest skipping to the next paragraph. It was time to get it done before my big camping trip (that story later) and I went to the girl I always go to. She's awesome and it doesn't really hurt. This time was a tad different. After getting stripped down she puts the wax on the first area AND HOLY SHITBALLS IT BURNS!
"Nope I'm good." And I'm an idiot.
After enduring 3 strips of pain and horror she has me inspect the area to make sure I'm satisfied with the results. I don't know about all ya'lls but I'm NEVER satisfied with burn boils on my lady parts. Now she's on to the other side.
"Oh shit."
"That's a sentence I never want to hear a waxer say....ever."
"I just have some wax stuck. I can get it off."
And then my waxer went to third base with me. We both looked at each other in horror after her finger slipped in a certain area associated with bikini waxing.
"Wow. And I'm paying YOU. Usually I'd like a dinner first."
We busted up in hysterics with me switching back and forth between laughter and howls of pain.
I still had wax on me when I got home.
At least I would look good in my new low riser bikini bottoms!
If I didn't have cellulite.
When we walked out for me to settle my (discounted) bill, every person in the salon was looking at us in horror.
I wonder if that salon will ever schedule a wax ever again.
I wonder why it was soooo busy for a Tuesday.
Moving on. My BFF/ Partner in Crime Mandy and I decided we should go CAMPING!
Arielle+Nature= no bueno.
We arrived at the Lava Hot Springs KOA and it was time to set up camp!
Good thing Mandy can set up a tent. Or we'd be sleeping in the car.
And by the way I'm SO good at shouting out instruction. Not GIVING them. SHOUTING them.
We checked out the bathrooms.
KOA is the ONLY way ANYBODY will get me to sleep in a tent.
Holy pooper these bathrooms were prettier than mine! And I have a pretty bathroom. I was really tempted to tell Mandy that I had the runs and just put my sleeping bag on the floor and sleep there.
Next we had to make a fire.
Correction: MANDY had to make a fire. And I had to instructions to shout out so my job was easy. My job was to sit. And drink bitch beers.
Marshall, Mandy's boyfriend gave us firewood. Correction: he thought we were going to build a deck so he gave us wood for that. After lighting every napkin that came from Mandy's car (and she's a mom so she has ALOT of napkins) and thinking like the girl's we are and spraying the wood with hairspray (which didn't work, which disappoints me because I always envisioned burning the face of a home intruder with a lighter and a can of hairspray...if I owned a lighter,) We FINALLY got a fire going (correction: Mandy FINALLY got a fire going.). The night was miserable. I had 5 blankets and my sleeping bag and I was still freezing. And my back was KILLING me.There's a reason why God made beds. I was not meant to sleep on the ground like a chipmunk. Ew. The next morning we hit the hot pools. I can see why I was soooo worried about my cellulite. All the hotties from the home were there. Seriously. I think Maple Acres Senior Center took a field trip that day. After that I broke out in nasty hives got a horrid sunburn and was miserable the rest of the day. But we decided against the camping food (thank God) and went to the Chuckwagon Cafe (or something like that) and had the best Green Chile Corn Chowder EVER! It was like Jesus had seen all the misery I had been going through and said "Here Arielle, have some yummy goodness." and then declined my credit card. (Thanks for dinner Mandy!) We had ran out of firewood (because we had to use it all the night before. Good jorb Marshall.) so we went to the KOA to buy some. And GASP the KOA had none. The only thing wrong with the KOA. So we drove around trying to find some for sale. We found a house with a crap load in the backyard. At first we were going to just jack some but then we grew a conscience (gross) and figured we should ask. So Mandy did all the talking (like usual) and I did all the...sitting (like usual). And this time we had a REAL fire with REAL firewood. (again. Good. Job. Marshall.) We drank beers and sang theme songs from kid shows and broadway show tunes (our KOA neighbors LOVED us.). And had a 30 minute conversation with a bird that said "ARWIE!" (if anyone can name the species of the bird and show me a picture I will take them to Applebees for 2 for $20.) The night was awesome. We laughed and had a great gals night. Until we had a huge lightening storm and thought we were going to die. Again. I hate nature. It ruins EVERYTHING! The next morning we awoke packed up our stuff and left the grand KOA. Overall it was a great trip and I had a friggin blast. I will never go camping again. Maaaaaybe if it's a KOA. And it's one night. And I can drink alcohol.

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