Monday, December 31, 2012

Lucky Cellulite

 You know you have writers block when you have had a blank blog post for 2 hours and you've been scrolling through Pinterest for an hour and 30 minutes and playing with your thigh cellulite for the other 30 minutes.

Anyone that can tell me a cheap and effective way to get rid of the "cottage cheese in a hefty bag" look will get 10 brownie points. Oooooh...let's see what Pinterest has to say! 

Apparently all Pinterest had to say was I have to do shit like, work out and not eat anything delicious. Eff that. 

Plus if I got rid of it, I wouldn't have anything to distract me from doing work. 

Women have to go through so much crap. We bleed from our cooch, we have to give birth, our boobs get all kind of crazy when we breastfeed or not, we have to wax, shave and tweeze every bit of hair off our body. I had a conversation about this with a girlfriend that just had her 3rd baby boy. She is outnumbered. When I called her, she hid in the basement linen closet so she could have a uninterrupted conversation.
"Do moms really hide so they don't have to share a candybar?"
"I hide my stash of chocolate in my tampon box."
"That is so sad"
"Please....enjoy your food as long as you can. I don't even remember that last time I chewed something."
At this point I'm wriggling around in my car, driving home from a bikini wax, you know that horrible first 30 minutes when it itches like a mother-effer? Yeah.
"What are you doing?" Krishna asks me.
"I'm driving home from my bikini wax. That was Brody's birthday present to me."
"He gave you a bikini wax?"
"And an eyebrow wax. Well, I had made the appointment like a month ago he said he would pay for it."
"Jordan gave me a bikini wax for Mothers Day last year, I think it was more for him than it was for me. He got laundry detergent for Fathers Day, now I get jewelery and massages for holidays. I don't have time to primp all that shit anymore. I'm lucky if I can shower most days. The day all the boys are in school will be the happiest day of my life."
"Krish, this is really the best birth control I've had in awhile."
"I used to tweeze it all down there ya know."
"What the hell? You used to tweeze it all?! Did you feel like passing out when you were done?"
"Yeah, after awhile you get used to it, but tweezing is the best way to go you know. I had to take an entire Saturday to do it."
"I know but your entire pikachu?! Uh hell no. Is that why giving birth was so easy for you. Because you had the pain tolerance of a fucking God?"
"I never thought of it that way...but yeah probably."
At this point of our conversation, one of her children (or her husband, I couldn't tell) had discovered her hiding spot. We said our goodbyes because it was getting really complicated trying to hold the door knob and having a conversation at the same time.

It is moments like that when I am so glad we are waiting to have kids (plus we need to GET MARRIED FIRST. AHEM AHEM...just kidding, I can wait for that too. We need more money, according to my Pinterest wedding board, our wedding might be pretty pricey.) I think we need to keep the apartment clean for 7 consecutive days before we can consider bringing in a tiny person who creates a bigger mess than an adult in less time. I have these wonderful visions of me being able to blog for a living, I can wake up at like 9 am and work in my PJ's, and when I'm done creating my newest literary masterpiece, I can take 4 or 5 leisurely hours to make myself look cute, and then make cute crafty things I find on Pinterest and make dinner. I would also spend my days shopping at Hobby Lobby and redecorating our home every other week. And take naps at 2 in the afternoon. That would be the shit. 

Speaking of being domesticated, call me a woman from the 1950's but I am having an affair with my new slow cooker. We have used it twice since Santa sweetly left it under the Christmas tree (THANKS MOM!). Monday, I made a Mississippi Roast. You can find the recipe here: 
We used Serrano peppers instead of the Pepperocini peppers because we couldn't find them in 2 different grocery stores. I also made super yummy Parmesan Roasted Potatoes for a side. You can find that recipe here:
We added more seasonings than it called for because we like lots o' flava in our food. Brody said, and I quote, that I am a "good cook" SUCK ON THAT SUCKAS! Remember the days when I almost set the house on fire by boiling water? Not anymore! With my handy dandy slow cooker and Pinterest I can RULE THE CULINARY WORLD!  
 Ahem...tonight we are going to attempt to make BBQ chicken sandwiches, which is now percolating in said slow cooker. I will let you know how that goes. I would post the recipe  but the computer doesn't want to load the page now. Dumb computer. 

On that note I leave you with this lil nugget of knowledge: I'm on twitter now! YAY! So follow me! I'm @itsme_arielleb. 
OMYGOSH! I made an entire blog post! My cellulite is like my lucky charm! Now I have something in common with Kim Kardashian!

Friday, December 28, 2012

Past the Point of Procrastination

So I am waiting to hear from our apartment manager to see if maintenance can come fix the millions of problems our brand new "luxury" apartment has. Our back door doesn't open now. Our shower is leaking water into the sheet rock and our vents sound like a herd of cows are stampeding through them. If I didn't just say they were new, you would probably think they were a few years old. Yeah. I totally feel like $908 a month is  a fair price....not. So while I wait to see whether or not I should hurry and sweep the cheap, bubbled up, linoleum floors, I figured I would finish what I started with my 23 good deeds. 

In my last post I shared a conversation with a friend. This friend is not only from Canada, but has pretty much the last 6 years traveling the world, learning new cultures, being all worldly and shit. He pretty much told me that we, as Americans, suck ass at being people....well not really. Anyways, he said (in a nice Canadian way) that we are the only culture that sees doing a good deed as a big deal and not something that is just a norm. When he asked me about the good deeds I did, it seemed like every single thing I said, they do on a daily basis where he is from. But since I said I would it goes.

We already know that I donated blood. The next day was spent running around between Murray, UT and Brigham City, UT. Which, if you don't like...almost 1/2 of the state (not really). I was busy collecting donations to donate to people affecting by Hurricane Sandy. I had two big boxes of donations. In fact, I had so many donations (thanks for everyone that helped!!) I had to separate some and donate them to the Women's Shelter at the YCC. After that I: left candy canes in the mail box for the mailman, paid for someones parking at the gateway, let a car go in front of me (which doesn't sound like a big deal, but at 5pm on a Thursday in Salt's a big deal.) helped with a sub for Santa, left candy canes for our neighbors, let a co-worker (that I can't stand) vent about a problem, gave a mom the extra $13 she needed so she wouldn't have to put back groceries for her kids, and bought a homeless vet some coffee and some treats for his dog....and then saw an opportunity to clean out my center console in my car and gave him like $12 in change. 

If you can count, it doesn't add up to 23. It's like half that. But when you stare at a computer screen bawling, not knowing how YOU are going to take care of stuff, you kind of stop wanting to take care of others. I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis a week ago, instead of buying my meds, I gave that mom money for food. I figured, I could just pump myself up with vitamins and rest instead of getting the meds, but as a child of a single parent, I could not bear to see a mom have to choose what her kids should go without and seeing her reaction to it made it all worth it and I would do it again. Maybe the "homeless vet with the dog" went out and spent the money on alcohol (I wouldn't say drugs because I can't think of any illegal substance that is that cheap or a drug dealer that would be cool with being paid with like 800 pennies...) but I am hoping that one day he will remember the girl who bought him a coffee and gave him information on the Vet Center and where to catch a bus, and pay it forward to someone else. I would love to do things like this everyday, and maybe the opportunity will show itself and I can do small acts of kindness for someone. But as a young woman trying to start a family and a life...sometimes you just have to fill up your own cup before you can share with others. I am a big believer in what you get is what you give. But I also believe that you need to care for yourself before you can care for others. 

Imagine a giant glass of water. Lets say you only had time to fill up your glass just a little bit, and then someone else needed some water, so you pour your water into their glass, and then like 5 other people need water so you try to give them as much water as you can. But you can't give them all the water they need, because you are running out of water. Eventually you can't get a drink and no one else can get it from you because you have nothing left. Now if you had taken the time for yourself, told people they need to wait for you to fill up your glass or tell them where they can find water for themselves, and filled your glass to the top; not only do you have enough to share, but by the end of the day, you have enough for you to drink. It's not being's being smart. 

On a lighter note: I hope everyone likes the new blog. Since I am oh so computer savvy it only took me 3 freakin hours to figure out how the hell to do it. I am really grateful fro all the shares and likes it has been getting too! Thanks for all your support. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas (I know Brody and I did, we got SPOILED) and have a Happy new Years, i have a feeling 2013 is going to be the bomb dot com.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

We Have Nothing to Fear but Everything.

Last night I had the biggest AHA moment of my life. I was texting a friend that went to Weber State with me a few years ago. He is from Canada and after school he moved back home. We were talking about the recent Sandy Hook shooting. I asked him if it was a big news story in Canada. He said it wasn't as big as it was here but they did broadcast it. I started to tell him how the media screwed all their facts up and and kept changing the story. He said "what do you mean?" "Like how many people died, who the shooter was, things like that." "Why is that important?" "Well...good question." "Here, they just talked about how courageous the teachers were and what a loss it was to lose so many lives and how sad the parents must be and that was it." "So nothing about gun control came up?" "No. Why would it?" "Well aren't people scared about going to school not armed and going into a movie theater not armed?" "Are you talking about the movie theater thing in Colorado now?" "yeah." "I never really thought about that." "Why not?" "I own 7 guns, but I don't feel the need to take one to a theater or to school. Hell, everyone here leaves their doors unlocked." 

During this exchange, I found Michael Moore's Documentary "Bowling for Columbine." It was at the part where Moore is interviewing Marylin Manson. People were protesting about Manson performing in Colorado because he has many songs that discuss violence, and the shooters at Columbine High School frequently listened to Manson. Manson discussed that the media and the government consistently put fear into the American people. If you don't get that car you aren't cool. If you have acne you won't get a girlfriend. If you don't buy Colgate people won't talk to you. And that's when my AHA moment came. 

Don't send your kids trick-or-treating on Halloween, they'll be kidnapped. Don't eat that or you'll become morbidly obese. If you don't bring a gun with you everywhere you'll be killed. If you drive a car, you'll be killed by a drunk driver. Don't smoke that it causes cancer. Don't drink that, it causes cancer. Don't live there, gangs are there. Don't love that person or you'll go to hell. If you are a Democrat you mooch off the government. If you are a Republican, you are narrow-minded.If you are a black person you shouldn't trust a white person. If you are a white person you shouldn't trust a black person.

We are in a constant state of fear and fighting. We have the War on Drugs, War on Terrorism, War on Cancer, War on Gangs. 

Mother Theresa said, "Do not invite me to an Anti-War rally. I will not attend. Invite me to a Peace rally. I will come." If you fight something, the thing that you are fighting grows stronger. 

What if we changed our way of thinking? What if we started being more positive than negative? What if we had Pro-Peace organizations? What if we had Pro-Cure races instead of the Race Against Cancer? What if we only used positive words? What if the media and the government wasn't allowed to scare us? What if we turned on the news and just for one day, the news was only allowed to report positive things? What if we stopped saying "I can't"? "I can't it's too expensive." "I can't, they won't let me." "I can't, it's impossible." What if for one day, The entire world said "I can."

My friend in Canada told me, his family looks forward to the news. Most of the time the news in their city reports on good things. Yes, sometimes there is a sad story but most of the time it is good. He said "Americans are the only people that have a 'pay it forward' attitude. You guys are the only culture that thinks it's a big deal to do a good deed. Here, it's just an everyday thing. We just do it." 

I asked my friend more about Canadians and guns. He said EVERYONE he knows has AT LEAST one gun. So you would think, Canada must have alot of gun crimes right? In 2011 Canada had 144 murders by firearm. The United States? 9,369. Another interesting thing. When there is a murder in Canada, the news reports on only the victim. Here, we do a one-hour special of the shooter. In Canada, they want to help the suspect by rehabilitating the suspect. They think, "There must be a mental illness let's take care of them." In America? The second we hear about a shooting we scream DEATH PENALTY. GUN CONTROL. VIOLENCE IN MEDIA. What is wrong with us?

So yesterday was "supposed to be the end of the world", that worked out well. I took it was an opportunity to start new. I will no longer watch news programs or read it online. You may say "well that's ignorance, you need to be informed."  Informed, maybe. Inundated? No. Notice, the people who are always happy, extremely successful, and just have all the luck, are always surrounded by positive people and things. 

I'm not saying that I am right and if you think different you are wrong. I am not saying that Canada is better than America. I am not saying that I hate to live here. I am just saying that, like everywhere else, we can improve. And before we go blaming someone or something else on our problems, we should take some accountability in our actions. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, and lets' start being better people.

Thursday, December 6, 2012


You know one of those Pass It On billboards you see on the highway. They should totally make one for me. I don't mean to toot my own horn but...TOOT! 

OK...I know I'm not as cool as Daniel Day-Lewis but whatever....JUST KIDDING! I know that's Abraham Lincoln. If it was DDL's billboard it would say "Could play an Avocado, and still win an Oscar for Best Actor....Talent You'll never have...Pass It On."
ANYWAYS. So this morning I went back to the Red Cross Donation Center to try again! This time I would show that needle who's boss. I woke up, with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in my mind, pumped myself up, walked outside. And saw fog so thick I couldn't find my car. FML. DID I GO BACK INSIDE? NO! Because I couldn't find the door. ANYWAYS. So I arrived at the donation center and like everybody scattered when I walked in....wonder why. Especially the nice blood drawer lady I saw yesterday. I had a guy named Ryan...I my eligibility and then try to find a vein. 5 minutes later he called another person to help him find my vein. Then another person. Soon there was like 4 people huddled around my arm. It was like the said vein they were searching for was like the Holy Grail! Finally they found the vein. DID I PASS OUT WHEN I SAW THE NEEDLE? NO! I never saw it. I looked the other way the entire time. 

Wham. Bam. Thank You Mam. And it was over. I donated blood. HOORAY! So whoever gets it, enjoy it my friend(s). It has done me well. And for the pay it forward part. I figured the people who dedicate their time taking blood, manning the office and working for the Red Cross do SO much! They are always at the front lines working so hard when we have a disaster. What an incredible organization! So if you guys ever have a second of free time go to and see what YOU can do!

I need to take a minute and talk about my AMAZING boss. First of all. She treats me SO well. I have never had a boss be so kind and giving. And not only has she helped Brody and I so much (practically furnishing our apartment, giving me an advance on my paycheck so we would have extra money after making our apartment deposit plus ten million other things) but her and her husband are really giving to the community. They take part in the Angel Tree charities and support local businesses. They are always caring about people who are in need. I absolutely adore this family. AND they gave me a HUGE box to donate to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  

Tonight I will be getting the donations ready and tomorrow I will ship them out! I am so excited! 

PS: If you are wondering how bad donating blood hurts, the prick they give you before to check your iron hurts like a MF. The actual arm they put the needle in...doesn't hurt...unless you're picking up an 18 month old all day. But the pain is TOTALLY worth it. I'll probably do it again!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Day 2: Not So Hot Either

Oi vey. Right now I am writing this with a horrible case of the hiccups and very nauseous. Which if you have ever been drunk on St.Patties day after drinking 2 pints of beer, and 4...or 5...or 6 shots, you know this is a horrible combination. Oh wait. That was me. Anyways so let's have a a chitty chat about Day 2.

I decided to donate blood. I have been trying to for forever but have been turned down because I either have a new tattoo (I'm such a hoodlum) or I'm always under weight. Not this time bitches. I was a little nervous about the process more than getting turned away this time. See I'm a little weird when it comes to blood and needles. I can watch Grey's Anatomy without flinching, but almost puke when my best friend gets her nose pierced. I can get my nose pierced without getting sick, but pass out in Claire's when I see someone getting their ears pierced. I have had tattoo artists tell me that I'm excellent to work with because I don't wiggle or freak out when I get a tattoo. Nurses probably hate me because if I need an IV or blood drawn, I need my mommy to hold me. So I'm not very consistent on my ick factor. I was mostly scared about passing out so I prepared my self well. I drank a ton of water throughout the day and an hour before I ate a meal packed with protein. While I waited in the waiting room I had a lifesaver. So the blood drawy lady came back and we began our eligibility. She weighed me :117lbs BITCHES! YEAH! HOW BOUT THEM APPLES HUH?! She asked me if that was my goal weight and I told her 130 was and she said she thinks I am the only girl who wants to gain weight instead of lose it. I said I'd rather gain all that in my boobs but whatever. My newest tattoo was done by a state licensed artist (one of the very few in Utah) and was 9 months ago, so it was ok with blood drawy lady. SHWEET! I signed a few papers and we began the process.

She started feeling around for my veins when my tummy said "Oh shit." and I said, "Don't say that." And Tummy said, " yeah. I am not doing to well." And then my brain said, "I feel a teddy bear..." and I said, "Please stop. This is not the time." And my sweat glands said, "We are going to work overtime ok?" And my tummy said, "What goes down must come up." And I said, "Oh shit." And my protein packed meal and my 3 gallons of water decided to see what the inside of the Layton Red Cross Blood Donation center looked like. Particularly their floor. 

Now you know in movies, or most people, when they throw up it's like just a "BLEEEEHHHHAAAHHHH!" I sound like a 15 yr old German Shepard puking up a Cactus. I wish i could be a discreet puker but unfortunately I was not born with the gift. I think the people across the street heard me.

So I was sent home. Going home again, without doing a good deed. But the sweet, probably super annoyed blood drawy lady said I could come back tomorrow! YAAAY! I still feel like a loser. On a good note, I figured out how to keep my cat from eating our poor defenseless 3 foot tall Christmas maybe I did a good deed? I saved Taffy from puking and Brody's wrath if she does puke and I saved our tree from being eaten....yeah still feel like a loser.   

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

23 Good Deeds: Day 1...ahem

So I knew what I was getting into when I decided to do this whole "23 Good Deeds" thing. I knew it was going to be time consuming, maybe expensive and I thought to myself "Gee Arielle, you'll be working 3 jobs, you're probably doing too much". But then my soft sensitive side (it doesn't come out often, so when it does I try to pay some attention to it) came out and said "I have to" aka, I already posted it on Facebook and here so I can't not do it. Some of you are probably saying, "Oh Arielle, good deeds don't have to be time consuming or cost money, the best deed is the deed that comes from the heart." To which I say, cut your bullshit. I'm not going to wait 45 minutes outside of Walmart waiting for some old lady with a cart full of cat food to help her unload her cart into her car. So anyways, here's the story with Day 1.

Well let's start with the day before Day 1. I went onto my bank account to see how much money I could spend on gas to put in my car. Well none because I have -$7 in my account. Yes that cute little sign in front of the money sign is a negative sign. Shoot me. So pretty much I went into crisis mode, which made Brody go into survival mode. I spent the night crying and having panic attack after panic attack. I need a full time job. We are poor. I want to go back to school. Everyone else is successful but me. I can't even afford a candy bar that I was going to leave the mailman in our mailbox to thank him/her. I can't afford presents for my family. I'll never have children because we're too poor. I think I even said something along the lines of "I'll have become a stripper, but I won't even be successful doing that because I don't have boobs and can't even afford to get better boobs". Yeah. So Brody spent who knows how long trying to console me and finally a voice popped into my head. It was Morgan Freeman, telling me to go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let me people go. Just kidding. But that would have been the SHIT! It was me saying, "You have enough energy to light this entire apartment complex, and you are wasting it on dwelling on everything you don;t have and everything you're not. Why don't you focus on what you want, and what you see yourself being. And believe that you already have it? Geez...loser." OK. I can do that. So I started repeating in my mind: I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am happy. Over and over and over until I fell asleep. 

So the next day, today, I wake up feeling a hell of a lot better. I decided that I would just see where the day would take me. I wouldn't freak out if I didn't "do a good deed." I went to my job, that I love SO much, and my amazing boss gave me the cutest Christmas decoration

Isn't he SO ADORABLE! GAH! So I came home feeling alot better about my day when I come across a Christmas tree at my door with a note that say "LYM" Now there is only one person in the world who would write that. My amazing mommy. It means, Love You More. My mom gave us our first Christmas tree. I was so happy. I came home a little early so I cleaned the apartment, started decorating and made dinner. Brody was pretty happy when he got home. He usually is home first so he usually makes dinner. On top of that, I got a really sweet Birthday Card from our apartment manager. And I realized, some days we need to be on the receiving end of a good deed instead if giving one. Which some people would say "that's a pathetic excuse for not following through what you said you would do." And to I reply: Well screw you. I am working 3 jobs trying to get back to school and pay off $27,000 in debt. I'm allowed to slip for a day. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go give blood for Day 2. I have NEVER given blood. I'm usually turned away for my weight. So we'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A Little Positivity Please!

OMG! There was an election going on?! WHAT???? I had no idea. I saw nothing on Facebook or on TV! CRAZZZYY! Just kidding I totally knew and I am so glad it is over. BLEH! OI VEY people! Some of you gots some tight panties on and they are in a twist. But I for one will no longer bathe in your negativity, I will only pay attention to those who post pictures of their dogs in footie pajamas like this:

ANYWAYS...I mean...anyways.
So my birthday is like over a month away but I am planning it now. I have never liked my birthday. Ever. Because 1.) I have been sick the past like 10 birthdays...not even kidding. and 2.) People tend to forget it or never want to do anything. Um yeah my birthday is the day after Christmas. How do you forget that?! And people are too busy with other plans that Christmas brings (Jesus, you totally owe me, having a birthday close to you SUCKS BALLS...I'm going to hell now aren't I? Oh well).
But this Birthday is going to totally rock your socks off! I am so tired of negative people and their sob stories, you created your shit you have to create your own happiness (for this I recommend the book The Secret, it totally changed my life) no one is going to create your destiny but you. So stop whining about what you don't have and start creating the life you want and focus on what you do have. I believe the best way to get more out of life, whether you want more love, more wealth, more health, more self esteem etc etc etc... you need NEED to GIVE. Give love to recieve love. Give wealth or knowledge of to recieve wealth or knowledge of. Give someone confidence to receive confidence in yourself. ITS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION PEOPLE! Not just "life coaches" know about it but physicists and the wealthiest people in the world know about this! Could you imagine the kind of world we would live in if we all focused on positive things? What you think is what you get. You think of bills and debt? Sweet, that's what you'll get. You think of FIGHTING CANCER FIGHTING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FIGHTING WORLD HUNGER? Yup that's what you'll get. I don't fight any of those things. I am Pro-Peace. I am for everyone getting enough to eat. I am Pro-health. The more you fight something the more of it you'll get because you are focusing all your energy on it! 
Back to my birthday plan...I am doing 23 (because I am turning 23) good deeds from Dec 3rd to Dec 26th. And for the people/person on the receiving end has to pay it forward. You'll see as I document it here. Now here is YOUR challenge, yes you have homework, on Dec 26th instead of wishing me a Happy Birthday, YOU need to do 2 to 3 good deeds and tell everyone who recieved your good deed to pay it forward and post it either on here or my FB page! Ok so I am doing 23 good deeds, let say just 23 people are affected and they do one good deed thats 46 people affected. So now lets says half of my FB friends do 2 good deeds each that's 257 good deeds if they only help one person in each good deed and they pay it forward thats like 514 people affected, now add my 46...THATS 560 PEOPLE WE HAVE HELPED! That is so much positivity and if everyone keeps paying it forward we can create such this positivity  everywhere. So think about what you want to do. Starting Dec 3rd you'll start seeing my posts everyday on what I did. It doesn't have to be a huge good deed, sometimes the little things makes the biggest impact. I'm SO excited to start this as my new Birthday tradition and I hope everyone can get involved!

Monday, October 15, 2012

How Braveheart Balances Her Checkbook....And Kills Spiders All By Her Onesies.

So apparently Lifetime Products does not consider a spouse being held captive by an arachnid a "personal emergency" and will not allow Brody to come home to kill not one but two spiders for me. How rude. I was faced with the traumatizing decision: either to kill them myself or ruin my productive day of cleaning and errands by barricading myself on the couch while hold a lighter and a can of hairspray awaiting my doom. I did the latter first for about ten minutes and then looked at my disgusting kitchen and chose to be a martyr. I found my flipflop and then began to scream my battle-cry (which is "DIE MUTHAFUCKA!!!" if you wanted to're welcome) and attacked the eight legged spawns of Satan. Spiders:0 Arielle:3 (I gave myself an extra point. Why? Because I can.) By the end of the bloody battle I was sweating and shaking and felt a little like this: 
                                            "It's all for nothing if you don't have freedom."
Shut up. It's my moment. I can feel like Mel Gibson with a mullet if I want to. 
Moving on.....
So since moving in with Brody we have had it pretty easy. But what they don't tell you in love stories and fairy tales is that you have to work at your relationship. It shouldn't have to be like moving boulders up a hill but you should check the pipes for leaks and make sure the light blubs still work every once and a while. If not the whole house falls apart...or you're sitting in the dark with no plumbing....this analogy is going superb. Anyways. So sometimes you have to spice things up and go back to when it was new (Brody and I have been together for 14 months soooo still new but we both annoy the shit out of each other often so we have to make it up for each other). For example: when Brody and I started dated I got him drunk so he would willingly make out with me.....JUST KIDDING! But with the new expenses we have we can't frolic to the nearest Olive Garden every weekend like we used to. And on top of that, we are now combining fiances. Which a lot of partners now can be extremely stressful, especially if you are entering the relationship with existing debt. Coming from a divorced family I have always said "divorce is not an option. It will never be." Now I know sometimes there's no way around a divorce, sometimes for a person's safety and their children's safety, it is the only option. But I will do my damnedest to make my relationship work. So I got in touch with reality and found ways to keep our relationship strong. And if you are with your partner for 14 months or 14 years it can still feel like the first week of your relationship.
I talked to a friend who is a paralegal who works with an attorney who specializes in divorces (what a happy job he must have!). She said about more than half of the cases she's worked on is divorces caused by financial problems. Too much debt. Trust issues with money. Gambling/shopping addictions. It goes on and on and on. And the biggest reason why this is the biggest cause of divorce? The couple never sat down before marriage and said "this is how much I make. This is how much our living situation is. This is how we spend our money. This is how much debt we are in. This is what we are going to do about it." No one brought up a budget. No one set what "living within their means" meant. And sometimes they didn't even know how much their partner was making! Finances have been our biggest hurdle. And this is what we are doing about it.
1.) Get real with your money- Before we moved in Brody would ask me about money and I would say, "I don't know", or "Don't worry about it." and "I'll figure it out." When we moved in together I made it a goal to be open and honest with my money. So I sat down and added up my debt. I gathered all my bills, talked to debt collectors and calculated how big of a hole I was in. I thought "I'm 22 no way it's going to be that bad." I punched all the number into the calculator and it read: $27,000. WHAT?! No no no no no. That has to be wrong. I must have added an extra zero to something. So I did it again. $27,000. Again. $27,000. I got another calculator. $27,000. How in the HELL did I get into $27,000 of DEBT! Well, I bought a car I couldn't afford...maxed out a credit card...dropped out off times....medical bills....late payments...interest rates. It was like I had gained 300 lbs all on my shoulders. How could I do this to myself? How could I do this to Brody? It's not fair to him to be stuck with this. I sat down with him and we put together a plan. He needs to go to school. I will do anything to get him there. If I have to work three jobs to save for $70,000 I will. If I have to kidnap someone against their will to cosign for a loan, I will. Then we need an emergency savings fund. if I lose my job tomorrow or if Brody gets hurt at work or if the roof caves in, in our apartment, we have like $20 to live on. So we save for $1000 and do not use it unless it is for an emergency. A cute pair of heels on sale for one day at Macy's, is not an emergency. We are out of beer and payday is a week away is not an emergency. My boyfriend loses a limb is an emergency. My car's transmission takes a shit is an emergency. Taffy eats something she wasn't supposed to is an emergency. Then we tackle the debt. I get a second job, we start selling shit. Whatever it takes to get that debt out of our lives. We face it head on. We no longer ignore the calls from debt collectors. We don't deny the fact that we have debt. We get real. And we do it fast.
2.) Save money where you can- price match, cut coupons, buy in bulk. compare prices. Yes it can be time consuming but it's better in the long run. We get a free Costco membership through Brody's work and we buy all of our cleaning supplies and non-perishable food items in bulk. But we also shop smart with bulk. Pay attention to the prices. Sometimes it is better to not buy in bulk, especially things like produce (unless you have like 30 kids who like grapes.).
3.) Take care of yourself- Yes, sometimes multivitamins and an exercise DVD can seem expensive, but a trip to the ER or doctors office will be more expensive. Buying healthy food items will benefit you more than buying the cheap unhealthy stuff and ending up on a gurney later....
4.) Talk about money with your partner...but not all the time- For a while there it seemed like all Brody and I talked about was money. How much this bill was worth or how little this paycheck was or how we have to pay this or buy that. It started to seem like I was dating an accountant rather than a Brody. Then I found an interesting concept that I wanted to try. Everyday you choose a time of when you can discuss anything BUT finances. The ideal time is when you both get home from work til an hour after dinner time. The idea is to be open and speak about money but not let it become the biggest part of your relationship. 
5.) Still "date"- my friends grandparents have been together for 57 years. That is almost unheard of these days! She told me that their secret is...they still date! Every Friday night ,since they began dating, is date night. Sometimes it's as lavish as a overnight stay in a different city to something simple as watching a movie at home. Brody and I had a few extra bucks one night so we went out to dinner. Over the appetizer I asked "When was the last time, just you and I went out to dinner? Without parents or friends?" It had been a few months. But honestly, it felt like one of our first dates together. I even found myself getting all giddy walking up to the apartment we shared together! It was nice to have that extra treat we rarely get. The next week money was low but we spontaneously decided to build a fort in our living room. Yeah it was probably immature of us....but then again, we are talking about Brody and me. It's finding the little things that you and your partner can do together that makes the other one feel loved and important.      
Well that enough of the mushy shit for now. I have to go interrogate (I exterminators to get rid of this spider problem (you say "Arielle it was only 2 spiders." I say "That's all it takes.") and I have to actually clean my apartment now. Bleh. 

Monday, September 24, 2012

Damn You Pinterest and Joe Nichols

7am: My alarm goes off, "Alrighty Arielle we got lots to do today, we are getting up!...Wow it's cold...and my blankies are so comfy...I'll just lay here for a minute....."

9am: "Oh wow...I slept an extra 2 hours...oopsies."

9:15-9:45: I barricaded myself in the bathroom with 2 flies trying to kill them. Flies in Centerville are alot tougher than the ones in Syracuse. 

10am: "So we are working out this morning so we should have a healthy breakfa.....OOOOO CAKE!"

10:30am: "Alrighty let's get ready for our workout....maybe I should do some laundry....I should go on Pinterest and get my workout figured out. YAY for finally making a Health board!....I should get some new music for my workout too!"

10:30-11:30am: Browsing Pinterest (not getting my workout together), and Amazon (not just music....really tempted to by some more Candace Bushnell books...). I also found myself on Facebook. And looking at puppies on ksl. I now reallllly want a Chihuahua. 

11:30am: "Oh yeah I haven't started laundry yet....Maybe I should I just wait to workout with Brody. Yeah."

11:35am: "Heheheh, this was kinda funny. I should write about this experience in my blog!!! It will be hilarious!"

11:37am: Debt Collector calls. We have a nice chat, I make a payment schedule. Not sure if I'll have the money but it will feel nice to get that over with. I tell her about my morning...she didn't really care.

11:42am: "OMG I should look up country music videos from the 90's on YouTube!!!! YAAAAAAYYY!!!"

12pm: I suck at being an adult. I am still at the computer in my undies crying like a baby watching Joe Nichols "I'll Wait For You" music video.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Realigasms and Grilled Cheese

So we finally have cable and Internet! YAAAAY! I won't have to depend on my lazy, spastic cat or my boyfriend for entertainment anymore!! I love you so much honey but I'm sure there's only so much Disney movies you can take and I know there's only so much of The Unit on DVD I can take (I have to say, kiiiiinda bad acting.). However, we believe we have had Internet since we moved in so I'm kicking myself for all the wasted gas money I spent driving to my moms house which is about 30 minutes away, to use her computer. But nothing I can do about that now. 
I'm just happy to have my E! and my Bravo and TLC and all the good channels that have my wonderful trashy reality shows. Today when Brody and I went to the gym I was tempted to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians  but I didn't want to risk either Brody throwing a free weight at me or me throwing a free weight at Kim Kardashian's face. I try really hard not to watch the show because she bugs the shit out of me. I love her sisters but Kris Jenner and Kim make me want to plow my head through my nice new granite counter tops. 

 I have been so desperate to watch trashy reality shows I was thisclose to stooping low enough to watch a KUWTK rerun. That I've twice. So I settled on a Lifetime Movie instead (Brody didn't throw any weights, he just laughed at the dramatic music which entails EVERY Lifetime Movie). But when I returned to our abode I immediately went on E! online and caught up on all things pop culture. I missed a lot. (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married? Please do this tired and wearied world a favor and make a child NOW.) And even better, they had the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills trailer! OMG Suzanne Somers is a real housewife now! After watching clips of the new season I had what I call a realigasm. That is a when you have a mental orgasm when you watch a clip of juicy reality drama. Brody did not understand my description. Whatevs. All I can say is tomorrow is Sunday and I am particularly excited for Breaking Amish. I feel like it should be called Real World: With Electricity. Those poor kiddies. All they want is some graphic tees and a vehicle that isn't powered by something with hooves. Oh but a world with AC and computers comes with a price. Now you must all fight about petty stupid things and make stupid comments on how ugly the other Amish girls are. Have fun! I'm hooked. Now I want to find me a rebellious Amish kid and be their fun modern fairy Godmother and get them all sorts of trouble. I'll trick them into drinking 7 Long Island Ice Teas ("it's Kool-Aid kids!") and laugh when they pass out on St. Josephs lawn for 45 minutes. Then I'll take them to Del Taco and convince them that all modernized people eat 12 beef tacos after they get drunk. After that we'll go to an acquaintance's house (because I wouldn't want someone do this in my own house...ew) and laugh as they try to figure out where to spew the 7 Long Island Ice Teas and the 12 tacos (hint Sister Sarsaparilla: It's the porcelain looking thing in the bathroom....too bad it's got a child lock...figure that out sucka BWAHAHAHA!!) The next day I'll apologize and to make up for my immature bad behavior I'll take them to the Apple store.  
Is it socially appropriate to ask for an Amish kid for Christmas? I didn't think so.
Moving on to other things.
Now I am trying to make a grilled cheese and ham sandwich. However, I was a spoiled child growing up and Brody has done nothing to change that so I hint to him that I am hungry. And then hint to him that I want a grilled cheese sandwich. But he is busy watching grown up shows and doesn't move from the couch. Fine. I'll make my own damn sandwich. But I will not be quiet about it. I began clanking around pots and pans so he'll be distracted. Then I do my number 1 trick: play dumb. 
"What temperature do I cook this at?"
"How much butter should I use?"
"How do I know when it's done?"
"How do I flip this?"
 "Honey, do you need help?"
"No I'm fine....."
Finally he comes over, looks at my undercooked sandwich and...VICTORY IS MINE! Now I suckered him into finishing my sandwich. He cooks like 3 million times better than I do. No joke. I figured it's an even trade. He is right about 90% of the time in our relationship. So I let him win all the arguments (on purpose or not) and he can cook for me. 
Brody is more of a Breaking Bad kinda guy instead of Breaking Amish. Whilst I like to discuss Kim's wigs on Don't Be Tardy For The Wedding and Julia's dating issues in Miss Advised; Brody likes to watch How It's Made and How The Universe Works. I can tell him how to make you hair super voluminous and how to expertly apply eyeliner (which is on hiatus right now. 1.) I decided purchasing birth control was the better choice and 2.) I just discovered like 10 minutes ago that I now have a gross stye.); while he can tell me how different military groups can hack into different countries Internet infrastructures blah blah blah and how to make the software for the newest smartphone blah blah blah. I make my own pinterest boards, this guy built his own frigging computer. I'm sure someone will read this and say "A man who cooks, and is super intelligent and he's with a superficial bitch who wants to take innocent Amish people hostage for her own amusement?" And to that I say:
Back off skank or I will take you out by your knee caps. 
So while people are excited for fall because of the gorgeous leaves and the crisp fall weather, I am excited for tv's fall lineup and all the fashion magazines will have their fall fashion editions out. Now if you'll excuse me, Tamra Barney is calling Alexis from Real Housewives of Orange County "Jesus Jugs" and I still need to poof my hair to crazy heights.

Hate to love her. Love to hate her. Love to love.....nevermind,


Monday, September 17, 2012

"Can I Pay For My Gas in Quarters?

"You are going to hate me..."
"I am going to need $8 in gas in pump number 7"
"I'm paying in quarters..."
*Uncomfortable silence ensues as the cashier takes my pile of quarters and begins to count them*
*Annoyed groans from people who had the horrible luck of standing behind me in line*
This is not the first time I have paid in coins. I once even paid $30 towards my down payment on my car in quarters. I've paid for shoes, college tuition, school supplies and tacos in coins. Is it annoying to all involved? Yes, yes it is. Do I feel bad? Sometimes...But if people don't like it maybe we should get rid of the coin currency and just have paper money eh? And it's not like I steal the crap, you're still getting my hard earned money (most of the time found under the furniture or between car seats...) 
This is where I could go off and blame the government or the economy  for my lack in funds. I could blame the liberals or the conservatives or the generation before me. I could blame 9/11, the Bush Administration and the war. But the person I should blame is me. I blame the two colleges I attended for me dropping out. But it's my fault. I was lazy, undisciplined and unmotivated. It's MY fault I talk more to debt collectors than my mother (and I talk to my mother ALOT) I was SUPER STUPID with my money and not only am I still learning from that but I still make dumb choices. But you know what? It doesn't define who I am. And it's definitely not in charge of my happiness. What makes me happy? Learning the ropes of being a new business owner for Slumber Parties and all the AWESOME people I get to meet, it's being a nanny for the BEST family, it's cuddles from my kitty kat Taffy, it's nutella and strawberries and most of all I get to come home to my brand new apartment and there is the most handsome, sweet, supportive and loving man in the world. If I didn't have Brody in my life all of this wouldn't be worth it. I wouldn't want to be a better person. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 
But before I get too mushy.
We moved in together the beginning of the month and so far it's still super fun. Well, sometimes he gets on my nerves and I probably get on his nerves (like I'm still not unpacked...and the closet is always messy....and I'm messy...and I get mad when he tells me how to cook...) Anyways. But if we don;t get tv or Internet soon we might get really sick of each other. We don't have any money to do anything...and when we do have money we spend it on alcohol. 
Speaking on being poor...again. I know the ropes of having to go to the extremes of saving money like, not turning on the ac in the car, even though its the middle of July, or selling clothes and dvds to get your car insurance money...or paying with coins. I've had like 10 garage sales in desperate attempts to make money. I sold Avon and for a week sold knives door to door (ok I didn't last a week I was shut down once and then quit.) I worked in a call center, I was a pet groomer (I told them I had Strep Throat for 6 weeks and then never went back to work...I don't "drain" anal glands, I don;t care how cute the dog is.) I worked for Macy's, Victoria's Secret (I was peppy enough), Tai Pan Trading, Hobby Lobby, Taco Time (I will never eat there...again), a hotel, two daycares and a Domestic Violence Shelter, and Walmart ( Most of these jobs were done 2 or 3 at a time. Now I have a great job as a Slumber Party consultant and as a nanny and even though I want to make more money I am happy where I am. I know one day our finances will be better. So even though I'm about to pay the nice guy at the maverick with quarters I'm not ashamed he and 10 other people have probably been in the same spot.
What's the craziest thing you've done to save money? 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do something everyday that scares you." or something to that effect (I'm too lazy to look up the actual quote). Technically, for me, that translates to "hang out with those huge ass spiders from Harry Potter everyday." And since I'm not down with that I decided to do the second scariest thing on my list; Zumba. 
I have taken one class before and it ended up with me sneaking out and probably heading to either the liquor store or the Krispie Kreme drivethru...or maybe both. But lately I have been on this "well being" kick. And not only do I have to get some biceps but it is time for me to step out of my comfort zone. I think that's why people get so bored with their lives. They get used to the same old routine. There's nothing like a shitload of fear in your veins to get the heartbeat going and your routine shaken up a bit. I signed up for a Zumba and a flexibility class. Oi vey. To  make a long story short if you ever want a visual of me doing Zumba take a spaghetti noodle and make it move in awkward positions and you'll be spot on. 
Along with my spaghetti dancing and trying to bend in ways that are not natural I have also been doing yoga (see; "trying to bend in ways not natural") and a Julian Michaels workout(see; death) but luckily for society and myself I do those  two in the comfort of my own home. I have also been "trying to eat healthier" we'll see how that goes. And I've been starting on a path of "spiritual and emotional well-being (insert snort laughter here). Yeah it sounds lame but I want to feel more connected to the world and to myself. I've been re-reading Eat Pray Love and The Secret. Which you haven't read you should. They're awesome. And I was reading the part in Eat Pray Love where Elizabeth experiences Loneliness and Depression while in Rome. And I realized, I have never really be alone. I'm always with a thought or a sound or a person or a task. Today, for example, I got up, worked out, got ready for work, worked for 7 hours, came home and started dinner. While doing this if I wasn't with a person I had music on or the tv or on the Internet. I never just sit. I never "just be". Just be. Something I say to myself when I start to stress about money I don't need to worry about or worry about a problem that's not even there. It's a saying my friend Mandy taught me. Just be. It means just be here. Just be you. Just be now. So after my dinner instead of cleaning it up right away or getting on the computer or texting my boyfriend, I just sat there. For 10 minutes. Just me. And it was nice. I realized that since Brody and I started dating I haven't been ok being by myself. I freak out. I worry that I'm not doing what I should be doing in the relationship or that one night away is going to ruin my entire relationship. And in that moment of just being with me I realized I have been neglecting the relationship with myself. That's not Brody's fault at all. Since I have been with him he has brought out the best part of me. He has made me better and want to be better. I have just forgotten that he isn't the only person that can make me feel that way. I can make myself feel that way too. So it's just a thing I'm working on. Anyways. I'm not entirely sure how the Zumba thing will turn out but I'll give it a few more sessions til I give it a final decision. Maybe I'll upgrade from a spaghetti noodle to fettuccine. 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Nutella, Barbies and Ri-Ri drivers

Ok. This post is a taaaad random. But oh well. PS: I know it's been like 7 months  since my last post. Life sucks, I don't get paid for this shiz...I'm sorry. Moving along.
So first of all I have found the holy grail in a jar. It is called Nutella. For all you barbarians who have no idea what this beautiful creation is, God might smite you for ignoring his glorious creation. And it's like peanut butter, but not disgusting. It's a hazelnut spread with cocoa and milk and it's WONDERFUL. It will solve all your menstruation problems, not really but it does make it more bearable, well, it won't help with cramps but it's delicious. I have used it with popcorn, pretzels, strawberries, apples, toast, cardboard, one night I had nothing in my pantry but Nutella and in my Nutella haze I considered putting it on my cat. Not really. One of my fabulous volunteers at work, works for a candy distributing company and she seriously brought a crapload of Nutella in, it was better than Christmas...and I friggin love Christmas. 

Soooo next thing. This totally popped into my head when I was driving home from Student Orientation today at SLCC (Go Bruins! Whatever that is..)  Anywho, did anyone have a McDonald's playset for their Barbies? They were so cute! They had a button for the drive thru and cute lil' apple pies. Notice that they never wrapped the hamburgers though...weird. Now I don;t want to offend anyone, but have you ever seen ANYONE work at McDonald's that looked like Barbie. No. I bet that Barbie was pissed as HELL. All these other Barbies got to be Doctors and Vets and Teachers (ps: I had the Teacher playset was the I get rid of these because I really want to play with them now...) and this Barbie had to work in greasy ass McDonalds. My theory is she's paying her way through go Barbie! 

Yeah...never seen a Mcdonald's employee like this...or a child so well behaved in McDonalds. 

Again, I'm not saying that people who work at McDonald's are ugly. I love McDonald's, in fact I ate McDonald's today...and it was delicious...not as delicious as Nutella though...but I have never in my years, seen someone who looks like Barbie at McDonalds...but it's a good recruiting tool.
Like I said earlier I was in Taylorsville for my orientation and getting there and back was a friggin challenge. I don't think it's just Utah people now, I just think people are Ri-Ri's. Fo reals. I don't understand why it is sooooooo hard to go the speed limit, or to use a turn signal, or to go when the light turns green! There are 3 to 4 lanes on I-15. The right lane is for all of you ri-ri's who want to drive 65 and under. The middle lane is for the ri-ri's who want to go faster than those on the right and the left lane is for the ri-ris who want to go faster than those in the right AND the middle lane. So if you are going 45 flucking miles per flucking hour DRIVE IN THE RIGHT LANE DOUCHENUGGET. If you are in the left lane and notice that cars coming up behind you are going faster, if it is possible MOVE OVER TO THE MIDDLE OR RIGHT LANE SO WE CAN PASS YOU'RE SLOW MISERABLE ASS, JOCKSTRAP. Also if your car can not go above 65 miles per hour GET A NEW ONE OR DO US ALL A FREAKIN FAVOR AND DON't GO ON THE HIGHWAY SHITHEAD! I swear on my Barbie McDonald's playset if I go one day without losing my freakin mind while I'm driving because of stupid drivers I will by everyone a jar of Nutella. 

I will be making about 100 of these and keeping them in my glove box. I will pass these puppies out like Quiznos Coupons.
This blog post had absolutely no point to them. That's the point. I hope you feel unfulfilled by the time you finished this blog and I hope you say "that was ten minutes I'll never get back." See ya in another 7 months yo!