Monday, December 31, 2012

Lucky Cellulite

 You know you have writers block when you have had a blank blog post for 2 hours and you've been scrolling through Pinterest for an hour and 30 minutes and playing with your thigh cellulite for the other 30 minutes.

Anyone that can tell me a cheap and effective way to get rid of the "cottage cheese in a hefty bag" look will get 10 brownie points. Oooooh...let's see what Pinterest has to say! 

Apparently all Pinterest had to say was I have to do shit like, work out and not eat anything delicious. Eff that. 

Plus if I got rid of it, I wouldn't have anything to distract me from doing work. 

Women have to go through so much crap. We bleed from our cooch, we have to give birth, our boobs get all kind of crazy when we breastfeed or not, we have to wax, shave and tweeze every bit of hair off our body. I had a conversation about this with a girlfriend that just had her 3rd baby boy. She is outnumbered. When I called her, she hid in the basement linen closet so she could have a uninterrupted conversation.
"Do moms really hide so they don't have to share a candybar?"
"I hide my stash of chocolate in my tampon box."
"That is so sad"
"Please....enjoy your food as long as you can. I don't even remember that last time I chewed something."
At this point I'm wriggling around in my car, driving home from a bikini wax, you know that horrible first 30 minutes when it itches like a mother-effer? Yeah.
"What are you doing?" Krishna asks me.
"I'm driving home from my bikini wax. That was Brody's birthday present to me."
"He gave you a bikini wax?"
"And an eyebrow wax. Well, I had made the appointment like a month ago he said he would pay for it."
"Jordan gave me a bikini wax for Mothers Day last year, I think it was more for him than it was for me. He got laundry detergent for Fathers Day, now I get jewelery and massages for holidays. I don't have time to primp all that shit anymore. I'm lucky if I can shower most days. The day all the boys are in school will be the happiest day of my life."
"Krish, this is really the best birth control I've had in awhile."
"I used to tweeze it all down there ya know."
"What the hell? You used to tweeze it all?! Did you feel like passing out when you were done?"
"Yeah, after awhile you get used to it, but tweezing is the best way to go you know. I had to take an entire Saturday to do it."
"I know but your entire pikachu?! Uh hell no. Is that why giving birth was so easy for you. Because you had the pain tolerance of a fucking God?"
"I never thought of it that way...but yeah probably."
At this point of our conversation, one of her children (or her husband, I couldn't tell) had discovered her hiding spot. We said our goodbyes because it was getting really complicated trying to hold the door knob and having a conversation at the same time.

It is moments like that when I am so glad we are waiting to have kids (plus we need to GET MARRIED FIRST. AHEM AHEM...just kidding, I can wait for that too. We need more money, according to my Pinterest wedding board, our wedding might be pretty pricey.) I think we need to keep the apartment clean for 7 consecutive days before we can consider bringing in a tiny person who creates a bigger mess than an adult in less time. I have these wonderful visions of me being able to blog for a living, I can wake up at like 9 am and work in my PJ's, and when I'm done creating my newest literary masterpiece, I can take 4 or 5 leisurely hours to make myself look cute, and then make cute crafty things I find on Pinterest and make dinner. I would also spend my days shopping at Hobby Lobby and redecorating our home every other week. And take naps at 2 in the afternoon. That would be the shit. 

Speaking of being domesticated, call me a woman from the 1950's but I am having an affair with my new slow cooker. We have used it twice since Santa sweetly left it under the Christmas tree (THANKS MOM!). Monday, I made a Mississippi Roast. You can find the recipe here: 
We used Serrano peppers instead of the Pepperocini peppers because we couldn't find them in 2 different grocery stores. I also made super yummy Parmesan Roasted Potatoes for a side. You can find that recipe here:
We added more seasonings than it called for because we like lots o' flava in our food. Brody said, and I quote, that I am a "good cook" SUCK ON THAT SUCKAS! Remember the days when I almost set the house on fire by boiling water? Not anymore! With my handy dandy slow cooker and Pinterest I can RULE THE CULINARY WORLD!  
 Ahem...tonight we are going to attempt to make BBQ chicken sandwiches, which is now percolating in said slow cooker. I will let you know how that goes. I would post the recipe  but the computer doesn't want to load the page now. Dumb computer. 

On that note I leave you with this lil nugget of knowledge: I'm on twitter now! YAY! So follow me! I'm @itsme_arielleb. 
OMYGOSH! I made an entire blog post! My cellulite is like my lucky charm! Now I have something in common with Kim Kardashian!

Friday, December 28, 2012

Past the Point of Procrastination

So I am waiting to hear from our apartment manager to see if maintenance can come fix the millions of problems our brand new "luxury" apartment has. Our back door doesn't open now. Our shower is leaking water into the sheet rock and our vents sound like a herd of cows are stampeding through them. If I didn't just say they were new, you would probably think they were a few years old. Yeah. I totally feel like $908 a month is  a fair price....not. So while I wait to see whether or not I should hurry and sweep the cheap, bubbled up, linoleum floors, I figured I would finish what I started with my 23 good deeds. 

In my last post I shared a conversation with a friend. This friend is not only from Canada, but has pretty much the last 6 years traveling the world, learning new cultures, being all worldly and shit. He pretty much told me that we, as Americans, suck ass at being people....well not really. Anyways, he said (in a nice Canadian way) that we are the only culture that sees doing a good deed as a big deal and not something that is just a norm. When he asked me about the good deeds I did, it seemed like every single thing I said, they do on a daily basis where he is from. But since I said I would it goes.

We already know that I donated blood. The next day was spent running around between Murray, UT and Brigham City, UT. Which, if you don't like...almost 1/2 of the state (not really). I was busy collecting donations to donate to people affecting by Hurricane Sandy. I had two big boxes of donations. In fact, I had so many donations (thanks for everyone that helped!!) I had to separate some and donate them to the Women's Shelter at the YCC. After that I: left candy canes in the mail box for the mailman, paid for someones parking at the gateway, let a car go in front of me (which doesn't sound like a big deal, but at 5pm on a Thursday in Salt's a big deal.) helped with a sub for Santa, left candy canes for our neighbors, let a co-worker (that I can't stand) vent about a problem, gave a mom the extra $13 she needed so she wouldn't have to put back groceries for her kids, and bought a homeless vet some coffee and some treats for his dog....and then saw an opportunity to clean out my center console in my car and gave him like $12 in change. 

If you can count, it doesn't add up to 23. It's like half that. But when you stare at a computer screen bawling, not knowing how YOU are going to take care of stuff, you kind of stop wanting to take care of others. I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis a week ago, instead of buying my meds, I gave that mom money for food. I figured, I could just pump myself up with vitamins and rest instead of getting the meds, but as a child of a single parent, I could not bear to see a mom have to choose what her kids should go without and seeing her reaction to it made it all worth it and I would do it again. Maybe the "homeless vet with the dog" went out and spent the money on alcohol (I wouldn't say drugs because I can't think of any illegal substance that is that cheap or a drug dealer that would be cool with being paid with like 800 pennies...) but I am hoping that one day he will remember the girl who bought him a coffee and gave him information on the Vet Center and where to catch a bus, and pay it forward to someone else. I would love to do things like this everyday, and maybe the opportunity will show itself and I can do small acts of kindness for someone. But as a young woman trying to start a family and a life...sometimes you just have to fill up your own cup before you can share with others. I am a big believer in what you get is what you give. But I also believe that you need to care for yourself before you can care for others. 

Imagine a giant glass of water. Lets say you only had time to fill up your glass just a little bit, and then someone else needed some water, so you pour your water into their glass, and then like 5 other people need water so you try to give them as much water as you can. But you can't give them all the water they need, because you are running out of water. Eventually you can't get a drink and no one else can get it from you because you have nothing left. Now if you had taken the time for yourself, told people they need to wait for you to fill up your glass or tell them where they can find water for themselves, and filled your glass to the top; not only do you have enough to share, but by the end of the day, you have enough for you to drink. It's not being's being smart. 

On a lighter note: I hope everyone likes the new blog. Since I am oh so computer savvy it only took me 3 freakin hours to figure out how the hell to do it. I am really grateful fro all the shares and likes it has been getting too! Thanks for all your support. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas (I know Brody and I did, we got SPOILED) and have a Happy new Years, i have a feeling 2013 is going to be the bomb dot com.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

We Have Nothing to Fear but Everything.

Last night I had the biggest AHA moment of my life. I was texting a friend that went to Weber State with me a few years ago. He is from Canada and after school he moved back home. We were talking about the recent Sandy Hook shooting. I asked him if it was a big news story in Canada. He said it wasn't as big as it was here but they did broadcast it. I started to tell him how the media screwed all their facts up and and kept changing the story. He said "what do you mean?" "Like how many people died, who the shooter was, things like that." "Why is that important?" "Well...good question." "Here, they just talked about how courageous the teachers were and what a loss it was to lose so many lives and how sad the parents must be and that was it." "So nothing about gun control came up?" "No. Why would it?" "Well aren't people scared about going to school not armed and going into a movie theater not armed?" "Are you talking about the movie theater thing in Colorado now?" "yeah." "I never really thought about that." "Why not?" "I own 7 guns, but I don't feel the need to take one to a theater or to school. Hell, everyone here leaves their doors unlocked." 

During this exchange, I found Michael Moore's Documentary "Bowling for Columbine." It was at the part where Moore is interviewing Marylin Manson. People were protesting about Manson performing in Colorado because he has many songs that discuss violence, and the shooters at Columbine High School frequently listened to Manson. Manson discussed that the media and the government consistently put fear into the American people. If you don't get that car you aren't cool. If you have acne you won't get a girlfriend. If you don't buy Colgate people won't talk to you. And that's when my AHA moment came. 

Don't send your kids trick-or-treating on Halloween, they'll be kidnapped. Don't eat that or you'll become morbidly obese. If you don't bring a gun with you everywhere you'll be killed. If you drive a car, you'll be killed by a drunk driver. Don't smoke that it causes cancer. Don't drink that, it causes cancer. Don't live there, gangs are there. Don't love that person or you'll go to hell. If you are a Democrat you mooch off the government. If you are a Republican, you are narrow-minded.If you are a black person you shouldn't trust a white person. If you are a white person you shouldn't trust a black person.

We are in a constant state of fear and fighting. We have the War on Drugs, War on Terrorism, War on Cancer, War on Gangs. 

Mother Theresa said, "Do not invite me to an Anti-War rally. I will not attend. Invite me to a Peace rally. I will come." If you fight something, the thing that you are fighting grows stronger. 

What if we changed our way of thinking? What if we started being more positive than negative? What if we had Pro-Peace organizations? What if we had Pro-Cure races instead of the Race Against Cancer? What if we only used positive words? What if the media and the government wasn't allowed to scare us? What if we turned on the news and just for one day, the news was only allowed to report positive things? What if we stopped saying "I can't"? "I can't it's too expensive." "I can't, they won't let me." "I can't, it's impossible." What if for one day, The entire world said "I can."

My friend in Canada told me, his family looks forward to the news. Most of the time the news in their city reports on good things. Yes, sometimes there is a sad story but most of the time it is good. He said "Americans are the only people that have a 'pay it forward' attitude. You guys are the only culture that thinks it's a big deal to do a good deed. Here, it's just an everyday thing. We just do it." 

I asked my friend more about Canadians and guns. He said EVERYONE he knows has AT LEAST one gun. So you would think, Canada must have alot of gun crimes right? In 2011 Canada had 144 murders by firearm. The United States? 9,369. Another interesting thing. When there is a murder in Canada, the news reports on only the victim. Here, we do a one-hour special of the shooter. In Canada, they want to help the suspect by rehabilitating the suspect. They think, "There must be a mental illness let's take care of them." In America? The second we hear about a shooting we scream DEATH PENALTY. GUN CONTROL. VIOLENCE IN MEDIA. What is wrong with us?

So yesterday was "supposed to be the end of the world", that worked out well. I took it was an opportunity to start new. I will no longer watch news programs or read it online. You may say "well that's ignorance, you need to be informed."  Informed, maybe. Inundated? No. Notice, the people who are always happy, extremely successful, and just have all the luck, are always surrounded by positive people and things. 

I'm not saying that I am right and if you think different you are wrong. I am not saying that Canada is better than America. I am not saying that I hate to live here. I am just saying that, like everywhere else, we can improve. And before we go blaming someone or something else on our problems, we should take some accountability in our actions. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, and lets' start being better people.

Thursday, December 6, 2012


You know one of those Pass It On billboards you see on the highway. They should totally make one for me. I don't mean to toot my own horn but...TOOT! 

OK...I know I'm not as cool as Daniel Day-Lewis but whatever....JUST KIDDING! I know that's Abraham Lincoln. If it was DDL's billboard it would say "Could play an Avocado, and still win an Oscar for Best Actor....Talent You'll never have...Pass It On."
ANYWAYS. So this morning I went back to the Red Cross Donation Center to try again! This time I would show that needle who's boss. I woke up, with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in my mind, pumped myself up, walked outside. And saw fog so thick I couldn't find my car. FML. DID I GO BACK INSIDE? NO! Because I couldn't find the door. ANYWAYS. So I arrived at the donation center and like everybody scattered when I walked in....wonder why. Especially the nice blood drawer lady I saw yesterday. I had a guy named Ryan...I my eligibility and then try to find a vein. 5 minutes later he called another person to help him find my vein. Then another person. Soon there was like 4 people huddled around my arm. It was like the said vein they were searching for was like the Holy Grail! Finally they found the vein. DID I PASS OUT WHEN I SAW THE NEEDLE? NO! I never saw it. I looked the other way the entire time. 

Wham. Bam. Thank You Mam. And it was over. I donated blood. HOORAY! So whoever gets it, enjoy it my friend(s). It has done me well. And for the pay it forward part. I figured the people who dedicate their time taking blood, manning the office and working for the Red Cross do SO much! They are always at the front lines working so hard when we have a disaster. What an incredible organization! So if you guys ever have a second of free time go to and see what YOU can do!

I need to take a minute and talk about my AMAZING boss. First of all. She treats me SO well. I have never had a boss be so kind and giving. And not only has she helped Brody and I so much (practically furnishing our apartment, giving me an advance on my paycheck so we would have extra money after making our apartment deposit plus ten million other things) but her and her husband are really giving to the community. They take part in the Angel Tree charities and support local businesses. They are always caring about people who are in need. I absolutely adore this family. AND they gave me a HUGE box to donate to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  

Tonight I will be getting the donations ready and tomorrow I will ship them out! I am so excited! 

PS: If you are wondering how bad donating blood hurts, the prick they give you before to check your iron hurts like a MF. The actual arm they put the needle in...doesn't hurt...unless you're picking up an 18 month old all day. But the pain is TOTALLY worth it. I'll probably do it again!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Day 2: Not So Hot Either

Oi vey. Right now I am writing this with a horrible case of the hiccups and very nauseous. Which if you have ever been drunk on St.Patties day after drinking 2 pints of beer, and 4...or 5...or 6 shots, you know this is a horrible combination. Oh wait. That was me. Anyways so let's have a a chitty chat about Day 2.

I decided to donate blood. I have been trying to for forever but have been turned down because I either have a new tattoo (I'm such a hoodlum) or I'm always under weight. Not this time bitches. I was a little nervous about the process more than getting turned away this time. See I'm a little weird when it comes to blood and needles. I can watch Grey's Anatomy without flinching, but almost puke when my best friend gets her nose pierced. I can get my nose pierced without getting sick, but pass out in Claire's when I see someone getting their ears pierced. I have had tattoo artists tell me that I'm excellent to work with because I don't wiggle or freak out when I get a tattoo. Nurses probably hate me because if I need an IV or blood drawn, I need my mommy to hold me. So I'm not very consistent on my ick factor. I was mostly scared about passing out so I prepared my self well. I drank a ton of water throughout the day and an hour before I ate a meal packed with protein. While I waited in the waiting room I had a lifesaver. So the blood drawy lady came back and we began our eligibility. She weighed me :117lbs BITCHES! YEAH! HOW BOUT THEM APPLES HUH?! She asked me if that was my goal weight and I told her 130 was and she said she thinks I am the only girl who wants to gain weight instead of lose it. I said I'd rather gain all that in my boobs but whatever. My newest tattoo was done by a state licensed artist (one of the very few in Utah) and was 9 months ago, so it was ok with blood drawy lady. SHWEET! I signed a few papers and we began the process.

She started feeling around for my veins when my tummy said "Oh shit." and I said, "Don't say that." And Tummy said, " yeah. I am not doing to well." And then my brain said, "I feel a teddy bear..." and I said, "Please stop. This is not the time." And my sweat glands said, "We are going to work overtime ok?" And my tummy said, "What goes down must come up." And I said, "Oh shit." And my protein packed meal and my 3 gallons of water decided to see what the inside of the Layton Red Cross Blood Donation center looked like. Particularly their floor. 

Now you know in movies, or most people, when they throw up it's like just a "BLEEEEHHHHAAAHHHH!" I sound like a 15 yr old German Shepard puking up a Cactus. I wish i could be a discreet puker but unfortunately I was not born with the gift. I think the people across the street heard me.

So I was sent home. Going home again, without doing a good deed. But the sweet, probably super annoyed blood drawy lady said I could come back tomorrow! YAAAY! I still feel like a loser. On a good note, I figured out how to keep my cat from eating our poor defenseless 3 foot tall Christmas maybe I did a good deed? I saved Taffy from puking and Brody's wrath if she does puke and I saved our tree from being eaten....yeah still feel like a loser.   

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

23 Good Deeds: Day 1...ahem

So I knew what I was getting into when I decided to do this whole "23 Good Deeds" thing. I knew it was going to be time consuming, maybe expensive and I thought to myself "Gee Arielle, you'll be working 3 jobs, you're probably doing too much". But then my soft sensitive side (it doesn't come out often, so when it does I try to pay some attention to it) came out and said "I have to" aka, I already posted it on Facebook and here so I can't not do it. Some of you are probably saying, "Oh Arielle, good deeds don't have to be time consuming or cost money, the best deed is the deed that comes from the heart." To which I say, cut your bullshit. I'm not going to wait 45 minutes outside of Walmart waiting for some old lady with a cart full of cat food to help her unload her cart into her car. So anyways, here's the story with Day 1.

Well let's start with the day before Day 1. I went onto my bank account to see how much money I could spend on gas to put in my car. Well none because I have -$7 in my account. Yes that cute little sign in front of the money sign is a negative sign. Shoot me. So pretty much I went into crisis mode, which made Brody go into survival mode. I spent the night crying and having panic attack after panic attack. I need a full time job. We are poor. I want to go back to school. Everyone else is successful but me. I can't even afford a candy bar that I was going to leave the mailman in our mailbox to thank him/her. I can't afford presents for my family. I'll never have children because we're too poor. I think I even said something along the lines of "I'll have become a stripper, but I won't even be successful doing that because I don't have boobs and can't even afford to get better boobs". Yeah. So Brody spent who knows how long trying to console me and finally a voice popped into my head. It was Morgan Freeman, telling me to go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let me people go. Just kidding. But that would have been the SHIT! It was me saying, "You have enough energy to light this entire apartment complex, and you are wasting it on dwelling on everything you don;t have and everything you're not. Why don't you focus on what you want, and what you see yourself being. And believe that you already have it? Geez...loser." OK. I can do that. So I started repeating in my mind: I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am happy. Over and over and over until I fell asleep. 

So the next day, today, I wake up feeling a hell of a lot better. I decided that I would just see where the day would take me. I wouldn't freak out if I didn't "do a good deed." I went to my job, that I love SO much, and my amazing boss gave me the cutest Christmas decoration

Isn't he SO ADORABLE! GAH! So I came home feeling alot better about my day when I come across a Christmas tree at my door with a note that say "LYM" Now there is only one person in the world who would write that. My amazing mommy. It means, Love You More. My mom gave us our first Christmas tree. I was so happy. I came home a little early so I cleaned the apartment, started decorating and made dinner. Brody was pretty happy when he got home. He usually is home first so he usually makes dinner. On top of that, I got a really sweet Birthday Card from our apartment manager. And I realized, some days we need to be on the receiving end of a good deed instead if giving one. Which some people would say "that's a pathetic excuse for not following through what you said you would do." And to I reply: Well screw you. I am working 3 jobs trying to get back to school and pay off $27,000 in debt. I'm allowed to slip for a day. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go give blood for Day 2. I have NEVER given blood. I'm usually turned away for my weight. So we'll see how it goes.