Saturday, September 22, 2012

Realigasms and Grilled Cheese

So we finally have cable and Internet! YAAAAY! I won't have to depend on my lazy, spastic cat or my boyfriend for entertainment anymore!! I love you so much honey but I'm sure there's only so much Disney movies you can take and I know there's only so much of The Unit on DVD I can take (I have to say, kiiiiinda bad acting.). However, we believe we have had Internet since we moved in so I'm kicking myself for all the wasted gas money I spent driving to my moms house which is about 30 minutes away, to use her computer. But nothing I can do about that now. 
I'm just happy to have my E! and my Bravo and TLC and all the good channels that have my wonderful trashy reality shows. Today when Brody and I went to the gym I was tempted to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians  but I didn't want to risk either Brody throwing a free weight at me or me throwing a free weight at Kim Kardashian's face. I try really hard not to watch the show because she bugs the shit out of me. I love her sisters but Kris Jenner and Kim make me want to plow my head through my nice new granite counter tops. 

 I have been so desperate to watch trashy reality shows I was thisclose to stooping low enough to watch a KUWTK rerun. That I've twice. So I settled on a Lifetime Movie instead (Brody didn't throw any weights, he just laughed at the dramatic music which entails EVERY Lifetime Movie). But when I returned to our abode I immediately went on E! online and caught up on all things pop culture. I missed a lot. (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married? Please do this tired and wearied world a favor and make a child NOW.) And even better, they had the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills trailer! OMG Suzanne Somers is a real housewife now! After watching clips of the new season I had what I call a realigasm. That is a when you have a mental orgasm when you watch a clip of juicy reality drama. Brody did not understand my description. Whatevs. All I can say is tomorrow is Sunday and I am particularly excited for Breaking Amish. I feel like it should be called Real World: With Electricity. Those poor kiddies. All they want is some graphic tees and a vehicle that isn't powered by something with hooves. Oh but a world with AC and computers comes with a price. Now you must all fight about petty stupid things and make stupid comments on how ugly the other Amish girls are. Have fun! I'm hooked. Now I want to find me a rebellious Amish kid and be their fun modern fairy Godmother and get them all sorts of trouble. I'll trick them into drinking 7 Long Island Ice Teas ("it's Kool-Aid kids!") and laugh when they pass out on St. Josephs lawn for 45 minutes. Then I'll take them to Del Taco and convince them that all modernized people eat 12 beef tacos after they get drunk. After that we'll go to an acquaintance's house (because I wouldn't want someone do this in my own house...ew) and laugh as they try to figure out where to spew the 7 Long Island Ice Teas and the 12 tacos (hint Sister Sarsaparilla: It's the porcelain looking thing in the bathroom....too bad it's got a child lock...figure that out sucka BWAHAHAHA!!) The next day I'll apologize and to make up for my immature bad behavior I'll take them to the Apple store.  
Is it socially appropriate to ask for an Amish kid for Christmas? I didn't think so.
Moving on to other things.
Now I am trying to make a grilled cheese and ham sandwich. However, I was a spoiled child growing up and Brody has done nothing to change that so I hint to him that I am hungry. And then hint to him that I want a grilled cheese sandwich. But he is busy watching grown up shows and doesn't move from the couch. Fine. I'll make my own damn sandwich. But I will not be quiet about it. I began clanking around pots and pans so he'll be distracted. Then I do my number 1 trick: play dumb. 
"What temperature do I cook this at?"
"How much butter should I use?"
"How do I know when it's done?"
"How do I flip this?"
 "Honey, do you need help?"
"No I'm fine....."
Finally he comes over, looks at my undercooked sandwich and...VICTORY IS MINE! Now I suckered him into finishing my sandwich. He cooks like 3 million times better than I do. No joke. I figured it's an even trade. He is right about 90% of the time in our relationship. So I let him win all the arguments (on purpose or not) and he can cook for me. 
Brody is more of a Breaking Bad kinda guy instead of Breaking Amish. Whilst I like to discuss Kim's wigs on Don't Be Tardy For The Wedding and Julia's dating issues in Miss Advised; Brody likes to watch How It's Made and How The Universe Works. I can tell him how to make you hair super voluminous and how to expertly apply eyeliner (which is on hiatus right now. 1.) I decided purchasing birth control was the better choice and 2.) I just discovered like 10 minutes ago that I now have a gross stye.); while he can tell me how different military groups can hack into different countries Internet infrastructures blah blah blah and how to make the software for the newest smartphone blah blah blah. I make my own pinterest boards, this guy built his own frigging computer. I'm sure someone will read this and say "A man who cooks, and is super intelligent and he's with a superficial bitch who wants to take innocent Amish people hostage for her own amusement?" And to that I say:
Back off skank or I will take you out by your knee caps. 
So while people are excited for fall because of the gorgeous leaves and the crisp fall weather, I am excited for tv's fall lineup and all the fashion magazines will have their fall fashion editions out. Now if you'll excuse me, Tamra Barney is calling Alexis from Real Housewives of Orange County "Jesus Jugs" and I still need to poof my hair to crazy heights.

Hate to love her. Love to hate her. Love to love.....nevermind,


1 comment:

  1. YAY!! I am so glad that I am not the only one out there in the world that hates cooking.. I CAN cook ... I just hate to do it! You are awesome!