Monday, December 31, 2012

Lucky Cellulite

 You know you have writers block when you have had a blank blog post for 2 hours and you've been scrolling through Pinterest for an hour and 30 minutes and playing with your thigh cellulite for the other 30 minutes.

Anyone that can tell me a cheap and effective way to get rid of the "cottage cheese in a hefty bag" look will get 10 brownie points. Oooooh...let's see what Pinterest has to say! 

Apparently all Pinterest had to say was I have to do shit like, work out and not eat anything delicious. Eff that. 

Plus if I got rid of it, I wouldn't have anything to distract me from doing work. 

Women have to go through so much crap. We bleed from our cooch, we have to give birth, our boobs get all kind of crazy when we breastfeed or not, we have to wax, shave and tweeze every bit of hair off our body. I had a conversation about this with a girlfriend that just had her 3rd baby boy. She is outnumbered. When I called her, she hid in the basement linen closet so she could have a uninterrupted conversation.
"Do moms really hide so they don't have to share a candybar?"
"I hide my stash of chocolate in my tampon box."
"That is so sad"
"Please....enjoy your food as long as you can. I don't even remember that last time I chewed something."
At this point I'm wriggling around in my car, driving home from a bikini wax, you know that horrible first 30 minutes when it itches like a mother-effer? Yeah.
"What are you doing?" Krishna asks me.
"I'm driving home from my bikini wax. That was Brody's birthday present to me."
"He gave you a bikini wax?"
"And an eyebrow wax. Well, I had made the appointment like a month ago he said he would pay for it."
"Jordan gave me a bikini wax for Mothers Day last year, I think it was more for him than it was for me. He got laundry detergent for Fathers Day, now I get jewelery and massages for holidays. I don't have time to primp all that shit anymore. I'm lucky if I can shower most days. The day all the boys are in school will be the happiest day of my life."
"Krish, this is really the best birth control I've had in awhile."
"I used to tweeze it all down there ya know."
"What the hell? You used to tweeze it all?! Did you feel like passing out when you were done?"
"Yeah, after awhile you get used to it, but tweezing is the best way to go you know. I had to take an entire Saturday to do it."
"I know but your entire pikachu?! Uh hell no. Is that why giving birth was so easy for you. Because you had the pain tolerance of a fucking God?"
"I never thought of it that way...but yeah probably."
At this point of our conversation, one of her children (or her husband, I couldn't tell) had discovered her hiding spot. We said our goodbyes because it was getting really complicated trying to hold the door knob and having a conversation at the same time.

It is moments like that when I am so glad we are waiting to have kids (plus we need to GET MARRIED FIRST. AHEM AHEM...just kidding, I can wait for that too. We need more money, according to my Pinterest wedding board, our wedding might be pretty pricey.) I think we need to keep the apartment clean for 7 consecutive days before we can consider bringing in a tiny person who creates a bigger mess than an adult in less time. I have these wonderful visions of me being able to blog for a living, I can wake up at like 9 am and work in my PJ's, and when I'm done creating my newest literary masterpiece, I can take 4 or 5 leisurely hours to make myself look cute, and then make cute crafty things I find on Pinterest and make dinner. I would also spend my days shopping at Hobby Lobby and redecorating our home every other week. And take naps at 2 in the afternoon. That would be the shit. 

Speaking of being domesticated, call me a woman from the 1950's but I am having an affair with my new slow cooker. We have used it twice since Santa sweetly left it under the Christmas tree (THANKS MOM!). Monday, I made a Mississippi Roast. You can find the recipe here: 
We used Serrano peppers instead of the Pepperocini peppers because we couldn't find them in 2 different grocery stores. I also made super yummy Parmesan Roasted Potatoes for a side. You can find that recipe here:
We added more seasonings than it called for because we like lots o' flava in our food. Brody said, and I quote, that I am a "good cook" SUCK ON THAT SUCKAS! Remember the days when I almost set the house on fire by boiling water? Not anymore! With my handy dandy slow cooker and Pinterest I can RULE THE CULINARY WORLD!  
 Ahem...tonight we are going to attempt to make BBQ chicken sandwiches, which is now percolating in said slow cooker. I will let you know how that goes. I would post the recipe  but the computer doesn't want to load the page now. Dumb computer. 

On that note I leave you with this lil nugget of knowledge: I'm on twitter now! YAY! So follow me! I'm @itsme_arielleb. 
OMYGOSH! I made an entire blog post! My cellulite is like my lucky charm! Now I have something in common with Kim Kardashian!

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