Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Pity...Party of One!

"Why are you so angry?" 
The voice was so loud, it startled me. At first I thought it was Brody, but he was fast asleep next to me. 
Did I talk in my sleep? Maybe. I wake myself up all the time from talking in my sleep. 
"Why are you so angry?"
The voice was definitely mine. But I wasn't speaking the words. It took me a minute to recognize my voice. It didn't sound like me at first. It was a loud, clear, powerful voice. 
"Why are you so angry?"
I figured I had better answer it, although I wasn't really angry at the time...but just like the question, the answer came from a place I wasn't aware of.
"I am tired of people taking advantage of me. I am tired of people giving me their laundry lists of "to-do's" and then walking away. They expect me to be apart of their life for their own gain and I am left here with nothing."
"What do you want from them?"
It took me a minute. What DO I want from them? Something tangible? Recognition?
"I want them to just be there for ME. I want them there when I need them."
"Let them go."
The voice, well, my voice, became soft. Instead of a powerful boom, it became sad. As if, it too, knew that this choice was difficult. 
"I can't they need me."
"They don't NEED you. They WANT what you have to offer. You offer loyalty, which people take advantage of because they know that you will bend backwards, upside down and inside out to do what they want you to do." 
Now I just think I am insane for having this "conversation" in my head. I lay still for a few minutes. I begin to think that my mind has quieted itself so I try to fall back asleep.
"When did you become so angry?"
I don't know! Am I an angry person all the time? 
I am.
Everyday something angers me, something frustrates me, something annoys me. And I try to push through and see the positive and most days it happens but sometimes I just stay mad. 
Does that make me an angry person? Or a person who FEELS anger sometimes? 
You can't put that in Google and find an answer.
When did I become so angry?
From a young age I was taught to fear. Don't cross the street you'll get hit by a car. Don't leave the front yard, you'll be kidnapped. Don't eat that piece of Halloween candy, there's a needle in it. People are mean, people will hurt you. There's a fine line protection and instilling fear. 
When you have a parent who works for the police department, you learn how to fear at a young age. 
It was hard to see the good people through all the bad ones that were shoved in my face on a daily basis. And it wasn't just from "stories at work." It was on the news that we watched every night, it was in the paper I could read by the age of 6, it was the stories the other kids would tell. I grew up faster than I wanted to. And at age 11 I learned the word "terrorist". When the world was meant to be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, I learned that people were capable of flying planes into buildings on PURPOSE. No one held my hand and said, "look at those people helping each other." Instead at 7:03 am over a bowl of cornflakes, I watched my grandmother have a full on panic attack. My sister, my usual protector, was at school. My mother was at work. Guess who had to fix it? The 11 year old who just figured out how to put her hair into a ponytail and just learned of the phrase "terrorist attack. I had to grow up in a millisecond. I was the one to say, "It will be ok. Everybody will be fine." And I lit my grandmothers cigarette for her and got ready for school. Because that's what grown ups do. 
That's when I became angry. 
It's nobody's fault. People either don't know better or they can't control how they feel. It wasn't like my entire childhood was spent inside hiding from potential kidnappers and sexual offenders. There are children who have seen a hell of a lot worse than I did. There are children who have to learn how to just survive from day one. So this is when the guilt comes in.
People learned fast that you can guilt me into anything. I can almost guarantee that someone will guilt me into taking this post down. Although I have teetered on to almost growing a backbone, sometimes it magically disappears. And I feel guilt all the time. I feel guilt when I forget to wash the dishes for Christ's sake. I feel guilt for things that I have no control over. I feel guilt for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. It's something I am working on. 

"Let. It. Go."
After losing myself for a minute, the powerful voice came back.
"Get over yourself. Stop letting your past define how to deal with today. You didn't have a shitty childhood. Yes, you had shitty stuff happen but so what? Are you here? Are you breathing? Are you laying next to a man who loves you and would do anything for you? Stop being a cry baby and LET. IT. GO. Shit happens to everybody. Shit even happens to fucking Oprah. Is she an angry person? I don't think a person who gives out cars to random people is an angry person. Stop being so angry! You can't control 90% of your life so stop worrying about it. And you can choose the other 10% so be happy with it. You are 23 years old, not some bitter 80 year old whose life is coming to a close. You are not in a slum just trying to survive. Your life is pretty fantastic. And there are people in your life who take advantage of you. DROP THEM. They don't add any value to your life. If they won't even show up to play the game, stop adding them to the roster. Respect yourself enough to let them go. Send them love. And let them go. Every time you begin to get angry with them. Send them love and let them go. Don't send anyone away with anger, even your worst enemy, because if you send away with anger, it will return. Just send love. And let go." 
Oh holy "Mufasa" voice can give some awesome quotes. Did you just read that? I don't mean to toot my own horn but "Toot. Toot." That all came from me. 
I feel like I lost 40 pounds. If I could make my "Mufasa" voice my regular voice, i could do SO much. I could accomplish so many things. 
There is a poem by Shel Silverstein called the voice:
There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

I don't need to listen to other people. I can CHOOSE to and ask for advice. But if it's not right for me I don't need to listen or take it. I can CHOOSE how my day goes, no one else does. People can be horrible to me BUT I CHOOSE how I deal with that. And I CHOOSE to let go of anger and be happy.


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