Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Future Baby Freestone

What up gangsta? Just kidding, pull up your pants and stop saying, "Yo", you look stupid. Anyways. 
You are not really even a thought yet. Mommy and Daddy are definitely not ready for you. In fact, we still do the happy dance when I go to pick up my birth control pills. Don't feel bad, it's not you, it's just mommy should probably not lose her bra on a daily basis before she is responsible for a life. Also mommy needs to raise her credit score a few points.
You may be reading this and say, "but those people on the still a hit show "16 and Pregnant" didn't care about their credit score." First of all, I want you to look up past cast members of 16 and Pregnant. Second of all, if your biggest aspiration is to be on "16 and Pregnant" we are going to have some words. If you are a girl (fingers crossed...I have a bunch of Freestones' counting on me to deliver a's like producing an heir...I'm pretty sure if I don't get a girl by the third try, I'm going to be try and grow a vagina ok!) I am going to lock you up like you are imprisoned in Fort Knox. You can come out when you are 25 and finished with online college. And after you gain employment. If you are a guy...dude your dad will talk to you. I don't know. 
This is getting off track. That's another reason why Mommy shouldn't have babies just yet, Once mommy can make complete sentences that make sense, then we talk about babies.
ANYWAYS. So the reason why I am writing to you is, you have put me through hell...already. Girls get this horrific thing called a period. (If you are a boy, 2 things: 1.) you're about to be disgusted. 2.) Why aren't you a girl?! Mommy loves you...) a period is when our uterus (a girl thingy jig) says "AH! Time to lay an egg and let it fertilize! I am SO excited!" And we say "Woah Uterus, calm the eff down, I am not ready to be mom so I can't fertilize this egg." And then Uterus is like, "WHAT. THE. HELL? IS MY EGG NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" And at this time we are thinking, "Oh shit. We pissed her off..." And then She starts RIPPING THE WALLS OF HERSELF LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC! And she does it for like a week and we bleed...FROM OUR COOTER! Yeah. And we get this beautiful thing called cramps. But your mommy has something called endometrisosis so her cramps are like 10 times worst. And mommy has cramps all the time. They are so bad that she had to get surgery to help it. And this little bleeding thing happens every month. 
On top of the surgeries and the constant pain, your mommy had an Ovarian Cyst burst today. Yeah. If that wasn't painful enough. I thought I was going to be on the next episode of "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant."
ON TOP OF THAT. After you are done cooking and ready to join us, mommy has to go through MORE pain and bleeding, her boobs will hurt and she will never sleep again. I don't want to traumatize you but heed my warning, when you are on Pinterest and you see a pin that says, "Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth." DON'T CLICK ON IT! DO NOT READ IT UNLESS YOU ARE 3 DAYS AWAY FROM GIVING BIRTH AND THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! It will make you wish you were still a virgin.
So, anyways. The lesson in all this is: there is many a times when I want to grab the closest noodle ladle and scoop everything out. I have been told by many doctors that is would be easiest and the best thing to do. Today I was told that try to get you here would be difficult and we may not get you here at all. But after everything my ovaries and I have been through, all the pain, I have told every doctor "no." Because you, little baby, are going to be worth it. But just a few things, since I have been through OH SO MUCH AGONY (cue dramatic-guilt inducing mother voice) here's just something you should think about...
  • Your dad is pretty adorable. Like not even kidding. He has the puppy-dog eyes down. He could out puppy-dog eye any toddler any day. Please take on your father's adorableness. But just not his puppy-dog eyes, you would never hear the word "no."
  • If you are a girl, please don't be a horrible teenager, I may kill you.
  • If you are a boy, please don't have a fascination with fire. Or jumping off of things. Please don't ask your father about either of these things. Just don't do it.
  • If we, your parents, have a rule and your grandparents say "EFF THAT RULE!" politely say, "Excuse me, but the lady who push me forth from her loins said I can not have 5 sticks of cotton candy and be up past 11 pm. I am 4, not a drunk sorority girl." I'm pretty sure your grandparents will be perfectly fine watching you, they did a wonderful job raising your dad and I, but you know grandparents, they have a hard time saying no.
  • Above anything else, if you totally forget these things...PLEASE be healthy. Please don't do what I did to my mother. I know how you don't have any control over this but your dad and I will have to fight tooth and nail to get you here so please be healthy. I am not as strong as my mom so I wouldn't even know how to deal with it. Just be healthy..OK? ok!
So yeah. There ya go kid. I figured everything else we can talk about it when we cross that bridge. Oh's going to be a bitch finding jeans for you. I'm 5'11 and your dad is 6'3...sorry. Anywhos. Ok baby, you just stay a thought for awhile! You will come to us when we are ready, whether we know it or not! But please no sooner than like 3 years...mommy has to get her shit together...and find her bra...again...

1 comment:

  1. ...and auntie Mandy and uncle Marshall will watch you all the time!!! :) Love ya my BFF!!! Good job on the blog yet again. :)