Sunday, June 23, 2013

That One Thing We Shouldn't Talk About But I Am But I Shouldn't...Don't Judge.

I'm going to write about something that I hope someone, somewhere relates to. It is something that you wouldn't necessarily speak about, even to your closest girlfriends. This is going out on a limb for me...and I'm pretty much shedding all dignity that I have to write about this...I am talking about....the day your partner realizes that you do number 2.
Oh yes ladies, number 2. You know exactly what I am talking about. 
Women are held to a standard that we do not have any gross bodily functions. We don't fart, shart, burp, poop, pee or anything else...yet it's totally acceptable to bleed out of our cooters...anyways. However, it is TOTALLY fine for guys to do this. We expect it from them. We have been trained since toodler-hood that boys fart and it is gross.
Brody and I will have been together 2 years in August. I managed to go 18 months without farting in front of him. It was a total accident and I was really tempted to jump off our 4th floor apartment balcony. Kill. Me. Now. 
When I use the "facilities" I turn on the fan AND the sink. Even if I'm just tinkling...I was scarred when I was 14 and ever since I have to have noise in order for me to "go..."
It was 8th grade. I went to use the restroom. There were about 4 girls in there. I knew it was going to come, but I was trying SO hard to hold it in...but it wasn't going to happen. It had to come out. Now this wasn't a gross loud fart. It was more of a whisper. But the girls still heard it. And they started to laugh. One of the girls said "OH MY GOD! SOMEONE LOOK TO SEE WHAT SHOES THEY ARE WEARING!!" I immediately stood up on the seat and stayed there for about 45 minutes...I then threw my shoes on the trash and proceeded to walk home where I changed my shoes. When my mother asked later that night why I missed a class I told her I was in the bathroom throwing up...
Fast forward to today. I'm pretty sure I used enough water in almost 10 years to create a new man-made reservoir. 
When Brody first started staying the night I would hold everything until he left. Yeah. And then we started talking about moving in together my first thought wasn't, "I am so happy, we can start our lives together!! EEEEE!!" It was, "Eff...when am I going to go to the bathroom?" 
Side note: Is it weird that as I am writing this I am listening to Mariah Carey's "Without You"? 
If you are a professional therapist, you may say, "You should read, Everybody Poops". To that I reply, "No." 
I'm not going to go into too much detail, but have you ever flushed and then instead of the water going comes up? And we always think it will help if we talk to it.
"Omygod, please don't do this. Go down. GO DOWN."
"I swear to God if you just stop I will eat more fiber and drink more water!"
"I don't have strong enough biceps to take care of this!"
And if you are me, you turn on the shower. And when you are done, you walk out of the bathroom...still clothed...and not makes me feel better ok?
I wish I could tell you that there is a point to this post. But, yeah, no. I wish I could say, that I have overcome my fear of people knowing my bathroom business and I am now conserving water...nope. I will continue to refuse using a bathroom with automatic sinks. 

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