Saturday, January 1, 2011

Leaving My Fingerprints

Everyday I think of how my actions will affect others. Every decision I make is usually decided for me. Not directly but I always will push what I want aside to avoid disappiontment and to gain validation. Last night (New Years Eve) I realized that at the end of it all, when it's all said and done, what am I going to think of how I lived of my life? Why am I causing MYSELF stress and worry to please others? Why am I not saying how I feel and what i want? How come my opinon doesn't matter. Why do I allow myself to get into a depressive state because my friends flaked out on me again? Instead of being a pisshead I should be going out and having fun and making more dependable friends who will actually come see me when I have bronchitis on my birthday and New Years Eve. I have to say I have grown alot. I have made some incredible friends in the past year. Mandy for example. She's like my big sister. She gives the BEST advice and has really helped me grow into my own person. She has helped me grow out of my naiveness...if thats a word. For the first time I have a dependable friend. She doesn't ditch me. She doesn't say she'll be there in 10 minutes and 3 hours later I'm texting her where she is. She is one of the people who have been my "angels". I found out that I love being single. I don't need to be with someone! I don't need a guy telling me how beautiful I am or how smart or funny I am. It's totally ok for me to say "I'm a smart chick. I can be fu**ing hilarious sometimes." I'm still working on the first one. BUT THATS OK! It's a beautiful thing to always be a work in progress! What would happen if we stopped being works in progress? It definitly wouldn't be interesting. I see people my age getting married and having babies and rushing to find who they are. And maybe that works for them and they are ready for that. I look at myself and say, Uhhh I'm 21 years old. I have no idea what I want or who I am. I'm not ready to make a life long commitment to somebody. I'm selfish like that. I don't want to have to run the idea of "Girl's Night Out" by somebody. If I want to go out on Girls Night then dammit I'm going to. I love being single and getting to know myself. Shouldn't I have a pretty good idea of who I am before somebody else should? This is MY time, It's time for me to LIVE for myself. Not just exisiting but reallllllllly living. Taking risks and getting hurt and dusting myself off. It's time to stop letting everybody else leave their fingerprints on my story, it's time for me to leave my fingerprint.

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