Thursday, February 28, 2013

Are You There Tax God? It's Me, On Benadryl.

 Dear Tax Gods/ Tax Jesus/ Whoever handles the money, yeah hi. My name is Arielle...and I like to...this is going nowhere. Listen, I worked like 3 jobs all at once last year which I don't know why because you would think I would be rollin in the dough like a mofo....but it never happened. Um, but I know Brody is going to file my taxes here soon (why can't I do it myself? hahahahahahaha! Oh Tax Gods you are super silly, no one wants that!) Um, I would like a nice tax return if it is possible, it doesn't HAVE to be in the thousands (although that'd be pretty freakin that'll work too...) but I would like a nice chunk o' change! WHY DO YOU NEED THIS MONEY??!! You say (hopefully in a Morgan Freeman voice....Sean Connery would work too...) Well I am glad you asked Mister (or Mrs...) Tax God! Ahem....

Arielle's Super Duper Awesome Tax Return Plan!

HELLO! And WELCOME! To Arielle's Super Duper tax Return Plan Presentation!
Here you will find ALLLLLL the answers to your awesome questions about what I would do if you gave me fantastic Tax Return!!! Did I mention you have beautiful eyes.....

OKEY DOKEY Number 1!
Invest in my business: WOAH Super Smart RIGHT?! I'm probably over using the word "super" huh?......bummer.
Yes! I will invest some of my tax return into my business. BUT WHAT FOR ARIELLE?
PSH! Glad you asked nosy audience! I will invest money into my business for:
Client Specials!
WOWZERS! If you think that's great wait til we get tooooo......

Number 2!
Pay bills: EVEN SMARTER! I also realize there are a lot of words in CAPS and a lot of exclamation points....just go with it. 
See I am in a bit of a pickle Tax Jesus, I gots lots of bills this is where we cue "Bills Bills Bills" By Destiny's Child....
But with a wonderfully large tax return I can pay off these bills YAY! And those rude people can stop blowin up ma phone every 10 minutes....seriously I didn't have the money 10 minutes ago, I promise I didn't magically stumble upon it now.

Number 3. I stopped the exclamation points. I was getting so peppy I annoyed myself...
Get back into my dance Fitness Class
Whaaaaaaaaa? Arielle, that doesn't sound like an adult thing to do! 
Woah, woah woah, woah. Calm down nosy audience. Let me get back into my high school debator self and I will explain why this IS a responsible thing to do in 3 points. i need to think of three points...I was only in debate to go to Disneyland...
1.) In the words of Elle Woods 
             I don't have a husband....but I have a live-in boyfriend and I say close enough! 
2.) I need to hip to not hurt after 5 minutes of walking. Fo' reals. Pole and flexibility classes were my savior. The entire time I was in Dance fitness classes my shoulders, hips and back never hurt. Even when I pushed them to their limit I have never felt better physically. And before you close-minded conservative people say "ew. pole dancing. grossies." First of all, look up Charlee Wagner on Youtube...pole is NOT just for strippers. Second of all, you try doing a backbend on a pole just holding onto it WITH YOUR THIGHS and tell me it's not a killer workout.
3.) ummmm....because it makes me happy....shouldn't we get to do things because it makes us happy? Right?
Okey dokey my nosy audience that's my Super Duper Tax Return Presentation

So, what have you learned from this? I need monies. What have I learned from this? Benadryl and beer don't mix......


1 comment:

  1. Mandy...the bestest BFF EVER!!!February 28, 2013 at 10:16 PM

    I will dedicate my time to also talk to the tax God...he/she needs to help out my BFF. Why?!! WEEELLLLL!!!!!!! We need to also go get our weekly frappes very, very soon. See how we do it is we buy for each other...take turns. This way we treating each other to our obsession. So my gorgeous, lovely, partner-in-crime, I am sending out my mind vibes to go get your moola!!! :)