Saturday, March 2, 2013

A Really Mushy Note For The Love Of My Life...Seriously It's Mushy...

WARNING: This post is super mushy. Like really. Like I am nauseous just typing have been warned....

So I am sitting in the dark in our apartment just thinking. Thinking about how bad I want some Mac N Cheese but I am too lazy to get up and get some. And how lucky I am. 
When I was a little little girl, my heart was broken into a million little pieces by someone that I thought would never break it. Because they weren't supposed to. While other little girls were planning out their fairytales and what their husband would look like and what they'd name their 6 kids, I figured out what college I would go to and what profession I would be. When the other kids played house they had a mommy and a daddy, I was fine just being the mommy and not having a daddy. I had made a promise to myself. No one would ever break my heart the way it was broken. I loved watching all those Disney princesses find their prince and I knew that it could be real, but it wouldn't happen to me. And that was fine.
Before you there were A LOT of first dates, maybe a second and on rare occasion a third. But I never felt myself get swept off my feet. I never found someone that I would go to the ends of the world with. So I immersed myself in my work. 
One day a very wise person said to me, "A career is nice, but at the end of the day you can't fall asleep with a career...unless you are a prostitute...and I don't think you can even sleep on the job even then..." And they had a point....a prostitute would probably get in trouble with their pimp for falling asleep on the job.
So after that advice, I did not become a prostitute. But I went on more dates. More. Horrible. Dates. Horrible. Horrible. Dates. "It probably wasn't that bad." You say. Um I had a guy...on our first date...tell me he liked having sex with girls on their period because he felt like he was killing a small animal. PS: If you tip your waiter enough money they will cause a distraction while you sneak out...also always drive to the first 3 dates, that way you always have a get a way...why am I telling you this?
ANYWHO. One night I met this guy on my friend's patio. I heard his laugh before I saw him and for the first time in my heart melted, like butta. I knew he was really out of my league but a girl can dream right?
I went out with a different guy a few nights later, it was going SO bad that I told him I was sick and left. I remember calling a girlfriend in tears.
"I am such an idiot. I'm in a dress and wearing heels and it took me like 2 hours to get ready for some asshole. I am SO done with dating! I just want to find someone who won't make stabbing myself in the eyeball with a fork sound more appealing!"
"Baby, you know what you need to do? Stop dancing with BOYS. Just dance with God for a few songs. He will let the perfect man to cut in at the perfect time."
After we hung up I decided to go hang out with some friends, I already shimmied my way into a dress I might as well wear it for more than an hour. And I spotted the "out of my league" guy across the bar. And in my head I said a little prayer.
"Please God, let that be the one that cuts in."
After a few weeks of flirting and super awkwardness...I knew. This guy was the one I wanted to be with. 
I wish I could grab the 5 year old me and look at her in the eye and say, "He IS out there and you WILL find him and baby girl, he will do more than fix that broken heart. He will make it better, he will make it love better.You ARE worth someone's love. You DO deserve a fairy tale. Please do yourself a favor. Don't put up that wall. Don't make it so hard for someone to get to know you. There are people in this world that won't hurt you."
For the first time I wasn't scared. I wasn't going to look for the nearest exit and book it. And for the first time, I was making plans. 
I never dreamed about a wedding til I met you. I never thought about having babies until I met you. And now I sit in OUR home that WE made and think that I am the luckiest girl in the world.
You make fun of how I drag my feet when I walk. And how it takes me 18 bites to eat a french fry instead of three or four. You piss me off when you try to pop my toes. I hate that I always have to ask you to help me find my phone or my driver's license or my debit card. But I know you'll always find it. Which makes me mad too. It also pisses me off that I can never stay mad at you because you make me laugh...but I love it too. I love our messy apartment that still has some Christmas decorations in it, I love how we manage to sleep in a full size bed without wanting to kill each other. 
You work harder than anyone I know. It breaks my heart sometimes. I hate seeing the burns and the bruises and the callouses. But I love when the going gets tough we have each other, and one of us will always take the other persons hand and say, "hey, it won't be like this forever, we'll get there." 
I can't imagine sharing my life with anybody else. I want to be 70 years old yelling at you for trying to pop my damn toes and falling asleep during every movie we watch. You make me better. You make me stronger. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if I didn't have you. Really, I don't know, because I can't afford this apartment by myself....
We are just starting out. A little over a year and a half. We have so much growing to do. We have so many hard times and good times ahead of us. Our relationship will be tested and we will have to put in work. But it will be so worth it. I can't wait to see what is in store for us. I love you so much honey. 

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