Thursday, March 7, 2013


If anyone of you out there, are one of those people who can just turn off your mind when you go to bed. Go away. You are not wanted here.
Since I was like 5 I remember just laying there, thinking about everything and anything. 
People would tell me to write down my thoughts, or even meditate to clear my mind.
But writing doesn't help. Just because the thought trickled down from my brain and out my fingers doesn't mean it has been erased from my mind. 
Meditating helped, I would feel really calm, and really centered. And then 10 minutes later I was back to thinking.
Grocery lists, to do lists. How we are going to pay to do and buy the things on these lists. Bills. Bill Cosby. When are we going to get married? Are we going to be one of those couples that date for like 10 years and she finally just snaps mentally and runs off to the wilderness of Canada and becomes a lumberjack? I should get a plaid shirt one day. When are we going to have babies? What if one of our babies have a life-long disability? Where do people buy wheelchairs? I'm going to be old one day. Death. Dying. Dyeing my hair. Remember when I dyed my hair blonde, dark brown and purple? That was awesome. I want my nose ring back. Ring. When are we getting married? I need to organize the closet again. What should I make for dinner tomorrow? I hope my paycheck is enough for everything. You know what would be NYSYNC reunion....
And then I start humming, "Tearing up My Heart" until I notice Brody is clearly agitated. 
And tonight on top of everything else, I found out my cat has hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. She has freakin hemorrhoids. I found this out because...long story. Anyways I called the vet ER and talked to a vet tech who said it's actually probably the beginning of hemorrhoids and just to start making sure she drinks lots of water and starts moving around more. But now I lay awake thinking about what food to put her on, we need to get her shots done soon, how would we pay for a vet bill. I worry and worry and worry. 
I need to stop worrying. Maybe I'll lie awake for the rest of the night trying to figure out a way to stop worrying.  

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