Saturday, January 19, 2013

I Have Been To The Idiot's Base Camp, I Barely Survived.

Last night, Brody and I watched the little girl I nanny for, for 13 hours. Correction, I watched her for 13 hours Brody watched her for 5 hours and the other 3 hours she was in bed for the night. She is really a great little girl. Even when she's at her worst, she's better than most 20 month old children. But at about 5pm we realized, we are not ready to have children. For like 3-4 years. Sorry someday future grandparents. But we were like hanging by a thread. We were eagerly counting down the minutes to bedtime. We were exhausted by 6:30 and the little person was running in circles screaming "E-I-E-I-O!!!!" We sat on the couch and wondered, "how the hell does such a tiny person have so much energy." And I figured out that someone one day was babysitting a child such as this and said "I need that kind of energy." And went home and invented crack. We were home by 11:30 and I was asleep before 12 am. When we got home, I told Taffy, who was extremely affectionate, that she would be the only baby (our fur-baby, as we call her.) for the next few years. I'm sure next week I'll see a newborn baby and I'll become baby hungry and tell Brody he has like 5 months to get a ring on my finger so we can open up the baby making factory. And then I'll come home from work with paint, boogers and stickers all over me and that will change again. 
Today I ventured out in the world to go to Walmart. Ironically enough to go pick up my birth control pills! A lot of you are saying "JESUS! You're attempting Walmart on a Saturday afternoon? Are you crazy?!" No, I'm not crazy...I just have really really bad time management skills. My first task was to find a parking spot, I was in no hurry to get out of my warm car and walk in the freezing cold (which is really getting ridiculous now...seriously if it doesn't warm up soon....something will idea what...) so I had no plans of finding a parking space further than 5 spots away from a door. As I am slowly driving down a lane to find a spot this lady starts walking towards my car with a huge cart full of stuff. I slow down to a stop and she keeps walking DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN LANE. I wanted to stick my head out the window and say "MOVE TO THE SIDE JACKASS" but it was too cold. So I watched in to my car....with her cart. I honked my horn super loud to scare the shit out of her. She laughed and said "TEEHEE Oh I am so sorry hun. I can't find my car TEEHEE!" I was realllllly tempted to put Mr.Moneybuckets into reverse and have one less moron living on the planet. But then I decided I couldn't handle a felony on top of all the other stuff I have going on. So I finally found a spot after like 10 minutes of people trying to back out of spots and not looking where they are going and tiny children running out in front of my car because their parents are probably more interested in cleaning their firearms and "gettin beer fer tanights hoe down" than being actual responsible parents. I finally get to the pharmacy to pick up the one perscription I need and they are out at lunch for another 15 minutes. I sit down on one of the benches with like 3 other people. Two of them are probably old enough to remember when Roosevelt was elected (Theodore, not Franklin...) and the other chick has crazy eyebrows and super dark lip liner and eying out the competition of who will get in line first when the pharmacy opens up. Seriously lady 1) I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about the cast of the Colonial Penn commercials beating you to the front of the line. 2.) I sure as hell have nothing better to do....and I don't like running. I am minding my own business when the lady from the Golden Girls says "you must have gone on a mission." She is obviously talking to me because pen-brow chick looks like she has NEVER seen the inside of a church, so unless she was talking about the sex position......she was most likely talking about me. I say "I'm sorry, what?" She repeats her self and adds "You are wearing a bun in your hair, all the girls I know who have went on a mission wore buns." oooookkkaaaaayyyyy......uh...."Oh I have never been on a mission before." (Except for an exceptional tasting vodka that I can drink straight...) "Well you must be going on one soon then." She smiles sweetly at me. I really wanted to say "I am not LDS and if I asked to go on an LDS mission the temples might burst into flames. I am currently living in sin (alot. of. sin.) with my boyfriend and I spend more time looking up alcoholic drink recipes on Pinterest than reading scriptures." But instead I said, "No, no plans for a mission." "Do you do relief society?" "No.....don't do that either..." "That bun in your hair just looks so nice..." What the hell does having a bun in your hair have to do with being a member of the LDS church? I have many LDS friends and I don't remember any important bun talk! Finally I let Edith (I named her Edith in my's an old persons name..) down as easily as I could, "I'm not LDS. I'm sorry. I have many friends who are and I love them very much and have no disrespect for the religion. I am just not a member." I could tell she was about to refer me to a missionary or something and quickly added "AndI'mnotplanningonbeingldsanytimesoon." All of a sudden Agatha (another old person name) went from the sweetly grandmotherly figure of the group to the really scary old 5th grade teacher everyone avoided and no one knew why she was a teacher if she loathed children so much. By this time the pharmacy had opened so I waited behind the Mistress of the Night who had made a mad dash for the line as soon as she saw it opening. I thought for a second that maybe they were giving away free nipple piercings for the first 3 people in line and that's why she was so excited. But alas, no one offered me a piercing of any kind. Maybe she was there for the same reason and just wanted to pick up her no baby making pills so she could get it on with Marilyn Manson (remember sweetie: you need 5 to 7 days of back up protection!). I texted Brody and asked him if he needed anything at the store but just left because if I had to see one more act of stupidity or one more person who was not gifted with Common Sense, I might have shanked someone with my car keys, and I already told myself that my plate is already full, I don't need a felony charge on top  of it. 
When I finally arrived at my building, someone was moving in. When I got off on my floor they had a bunch of their shit blocking the elevator so I couldn't get out. I swear to God that blockhead-cart-lady's twin was moving in, "TEEHEE I am SO sorry!." I was so done with stupid people at this point that I just knocked over a frame and stepped over it and sweetly said "TEEHEE welcome to the building, next time don't block the super moving box thing OTAY?!" I am now hiding in my stupid-free apartment and this is where I will stay. And a thought has just came into my mind, "Am I frustrated because there is stupid people? Or am I frustrated because I need to get laid....." Interesting...


  1. WHAT?! You've never heard that we have a secret bun society?! You just need to be initiated into the cult, apparently... (<-- this is my sarcastic voice)

  2. Thanks for the laughs on a dreary Sunday morning! Love it!

  3. I have never heard of the bun thing either... and I definitely think you need to get laid! :) Not because I think you don't get any, but because it's fun!