Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Pay My Escorts in Gift Cards and Grocery Shopping Makes Me Want to Commit Felonies

On Friday night, Brody and I enjoyed a date night out to Applebees. I had gotten a gift card for my birthday AND got paid today so it was my treat. Brody always feels horrible when he can't pay. But seriously, the guy has paid for EVERYTHING for the first 12 months of our relationship. HE would never EVER let me pay or pay half. I would spend hours asking if I could PLLEEEEAAASEEE pay for half of a date and he would never let me. So I like it when I can pay. I'm also mean so I like to make it funny. 

At the dinner we were talking about celebrities and their Twitter accounts. Brody said he thinks most of them just have people that take care of tweeting for them. I said, "I wish I could pay someone to take care of my Twit....ter..." *Cue uncomfortable gasp from table behind us.* "Oh wait," I add, "That's you." *Cue another gasp.*

The rest of the night I referred to him as an escort. When the waiter brought us our check I made another prostitution reference loud enough for lots of people to hear. The people behind us are now so uncomfortable, they have stopped talking. As we walk out I make like 5 more references. Brody is now practically running out of the restaurant. As we get in the car I yell (just loud enough so it echos throughout the parking lot) "YOU ARE THE WORST PROSTITUTE EVER! I WANT A REFUND!" Brody asks me, exasperated by my shenanigans, if I have to yell that really loud. Why yes, yes I do.

Last night after a yummy meal at Brody's parents house, we made our way to WalMart. We went at like 9pm so we figured it wouldn't be super busy. Yeah. We were wrong. I begged Brody to come with me and I was starting to regret it. Sometimes Brody acts like he is 5 years old (I never NEVER ever act immature....ever.) We were in the frozen food section and he was giving me crap about choosing frozen lunches for work. There was a very pretty couple in the same aisle as us, and they were happily gabbing about how awesome it was to join their Bishop for Family Home Evening (all I know is that's what LDS people do.) At the same exact moment as they were basking in the joy of Jesus' love and yada yada yada I yell "CHOOSE A LUNCH OR I WILL BITCH SLAP YOU IN FRONT OF THIS LOVELY COUPLE!!!" Brody said "Try me." In a really sarcastic tone. I didn't want to hurt his beautiful face so I just playfully punched him in the arm, he turned to the couple and in an even more sarcastic tone said "SHE STRUCK ME!" I feel bad for people that have to be around us. Because they know they'll never have an awesome relationship like we do.

We got in line to check out, we got behind a couple who was seriously stocking up for the apocalypse, WHO NEEDS 15 CONTAINERS OF KETCHUP??? WHO??? They had like 30 things of each product. Then, they had so much shit (I gave up cleaning up my language for this post) that the register went into override. So the cashier had to wait for a manager to come over. BTW...why does WalMart have 90 registers but only have 3 open? And 2 out of 3 are the speedy checkout lanes and I have more than 20 items. So after the manager finally decides to show up to work, there's like 5 more people behind us. The cashier thinks this is a great time to ask the couple if they want to open a store credit card. The couple doesn't understand alot of English. The cashier thinks this means he needs to yell louder than usual. "I NEED TO SEE A DRIVER'S LICENSE DO YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE?" We spent more time waiting in line than actually grocery shopping.

I wish I had the money to go shop at Harmons. 

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